Give Me What I DeserveMature

I keep screwing up with this guy I like and I pulled the final straw a few days ago. out of desperation, I sent a message from my father's facebook to him, hoping he would see what "my dad " was saying and give me a second chance, I had no plans of telling him. a few days later I started thinking, how can I keep this from him? He is smart and he has a right to know anyways. What if I never tell him and then months later he DOES found out? I better just tell him now before things get worse, so I told him yesterday.

he told me that this is too weird and he needs time to think. he said he would message me later. he has not responded to me yet and I am starting to think he never will.

I screwed up so bad and I do not deserve his forgiveness. I wish he would yell at me and never forgive me because that is what I deserve. I hope he calls me an idiot and a liar, since that is what I am. Then I hope that he just cuts me off from him and his life, I do not deserve to talk to him. I am an idiot and I know what I did was wrong, I don't want him to forgive me, I want him to hate me. I want him to scream at me and insult me. If he forgives me for what I did I will not be able to take it, I will feel guiltier. 

Still, I hope he says something. this wondering is eating away at me and I am not sure how much more I can handle. I wish he would just get it over with, I know he does not want to hurt my feelings, but I wish he would. 

The End

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