Sometimes I feel like I have seen hell and come back again but not before it scared me. I suffered a completely life changing event when I was only five probably the most impressionable year of my whole life. When I say life changing I mean it, my whole life would have been completely different if this hadn’t happened. It didn’t change for the better either but for the worse.
Because of it I became less attached to my family and started to withdraw into the only person I knew I could trust completely, myself. As a result I have been a loner for quite a lot of my life hanging around with three maybe four good friends but really blocking myself off from any other interaction just so I don’t let anyone else live with the hurt I feel inside me.
Recently I have managed to get out of my shell and meet new, wonderful, exciting, funny people who do make me smile and laugh but sometimes I feel like I’m watching them from the other side of a wall of glass. The worst part is the wall was put there by my own mind and that is the most infuriating part of it all.
Don’t view me as someone who doesn’t feel emotions because I do, and I feel them very powerfully and they roil and coil inside my own mind. I have felt love and lust, happiness and sadness, pride and humility. But like when you cup a flame in your hands to stop others from seeing it you get burnt and flame will eat at you and your body. I’ve ended up suppressing my emotions so much that sometimes they will suddenly overcome me with no warning and no meaning; the slightest trigger may set them off.
To distract myself I often find myself in my room, my bubble doing about 3 different things at the same time like for example at the moment I’m writing this rant while listening to the overtones at full volume and wondering how the human body works. That’s the reason why I’m so good in school not because I study my but off but because that is often the only thing that I can do to stop from feeling the things I don’t want to feel.
If you read this rant then I thank you but it was un-needed.