I'm here again. So what? I have a lot to rant about.
"I can't do this any more."
And I continue hanging the washing out as I hear the car start outside.
And then I'm crying on the sofa.
And then I'm going for the alcohol.
And then I've gagged after a shot of what tasted like an orange flavoured whiskey. It was quite pleasant until I swallowed it.
And then I'm writing a poem about the disgusting flavoured whiskey.
And then I'm waiting for her to come home.
I don't want her to come home.
I upset my mother again. This is nowhere near the first time and it almost seems to get worse every time.. then again, I guess there have been worse ones. Like the one where she drove away and then texted me saying "would you even care if I never came back?" or the one where she told me after we'd gotten out of the car that she wanted to crash the car and kill herself because of me and the only reason she didn't was because I was in the car. She wanted to kill herself, not the person who was making her want to kill herself.
It's always my fault.
There probably has never been more than two arguments which we have had which were started by her.
It's always me.
-pause for another shot of "orange whiskey". It tasted better the second time. It'll probably taste f*cking amazing the third.-
She doesn't hate me though.
I would hate me.
But I'm not my mother so I suppose that point of view is irrelevant.
Considering I haven't eaten anything today.. I'm quite surprised I'm not feeling tipsy. So it's only two shots.. I don't know what the alcohol content is, I don't speak the language it was written in...
-third shot. No improvement on taste.-
I'm still not tipsy. And improvement wan't at all difficult to spell.
She won't let me stay at home alone while she goes to our friend's house. She's staying there for four days and I have about five days of work which I need to do. I really don't have time to have an ex-boyfriend, ex-lover, supposed brother and anti-clean woman floating around. I don't really have time for games and partying and alcohol.
If I had any sense I would be doing homework right now.
But I'm a dumbass.
My academical results have absolutely nothing to do with that.
I feel like something's lodged in my throat..
So I'm arguing with my mum, constantly. Actually, we weren't really arguing about our friend's house...
We were arguing about time we spend together
And our friend's house
And how I shouldn't have gone to Frenchie's
And how, when she wants me to put the washing out because she wants to wear something; I should know.
And how I apparently told her I had no homework
But to be honest
I wasn't arguing about any of that.
I was arguing about my ex-girlfriend kicking me out of her life which I knew would happen which is why I never wanted to be with her in the first place (I would only hurt her and lose her as a friend, that is what always f*cking happens.)
I was arguing about Frenchie having a lot of work and me not wanting to get in the way of him so thus not talking to him.
I was arguing about Pineapple and her father hating me when I tried so hard to be nice to her father..
I was arguing about how f*cking lonely I am.
I was arguing about Gentleman not texting back (which is completely unfair to him because he is probably busy with his own life.)
I was arguing about my phone being broken and the internet not working on the phone I have now.
I was arguing about having that image back in my head which I had gotten rid of when she stopped cutting..
I was arguing about being so scared of raising this money because I don't know how I'm going to raise so much.
I was arguing about the fact that I don't think I'm going to get the As and A*s I am supposed to get.
I was arguing about how f*cking stressed I am.
I was arguing because there is nothing my mother can do to help me.
-Forth shot. I just spelt forth wrong, I feel like I'm walking on a bouncy castle and my heart is racing like a bl**dy sports car. Y'know, some people drink tea when they're upset.-
All I wanted to do after my mum and I started arguing was text someone.. and I have nobody to text. Isn't that sad?
Thanks to Bear, I feel so damn lonely.. I talked to her about everything.. Now I haven't even got her..
No, scrap that.
Thanks to me, f*cking things up time and time again.
I'm just stressed.. I'll be fine.