I am a complicated person. I accept that now. My personality follows no stereotipism, maybe I'm a mix of many but all I can be sure is that being who I am sucks.
My family. Hmm… Now usually when you talk to your friends about your family you can boast, and be proud and say so many nice things about your loved ones. In my French grandmother’s case I could (most selfless woman in the world), but with the rest of my family I can’t. Over the years my family have become more different than imaginably possible. Years after me and my brother were born, my two French aunts have been getting pregnant galore in the space of 6 years. I call them the Sibling Wars. No joke. 6 years- 5 cousins. Every time we go over to France to see our family each aunt b#$%^&s about the other’s children and their parenting methods. It’s really quite sad and frustrating. It was only until this summer, when the two had a full-blown, fist-throwing fight at our house-warming party that I realised one thing. Despite the majority of my family living in France, despite the people I most love are secretly desperate for me to live in France when I become independent, I will not. Am I being unreasonable here?! I used to think that my uncle was crazy for wanting to live in Budapest rather than France but now, I realise that I have so much in common with him. I’ve met his friends, and he has yet to meet mine, but both of us have managed to shroud ourselves from family havoc with the most amazing, loving friends. This is why I want to start my own family somewhere new, I don’t care where just so long as I never have to see my family ever again. That is probably a stupid thing to ask for but… (sigh)
I feel so guilty. About everything! How can it be that every, single thing I say or do; every time someone says something to me that’s potentially negative, I feel like I’ve said the wrong thing?! I think by now I deserve to be able to not think back on something I’ve said, especially if it’s right. Right?
Now I don’t know many people with conditions, I know one person with Asperger’s, many people with some sort of depression and that’s about it, so when I constantly pity myself and the way I think, I feel really selfish because I haven’t seen the worst of situations like some of my friends have. Now my confidence is low, but low to the point where I have had to suffer stage-fright in front of my whole year group, my whole family and despite that I haven’t said anything until now, if I just pause and hold my hands out flat right now, they will tremble the years of insecurity I have developed due to the rest of my year group. And I am the biggest jerk of all jerks because I keep all of my feelings to myself, I have never shared anything deep with anyone no matter how much I love them because I certainly don’t want the pity. Every day after school, I would just pace around in my room, playing out the events of the day and how I could have made them better, what my friend’s have wrong with them and how would I talk about it to them. Stuff like that. I have become the biggest philosophical megalomaniac the world has come to never know and I hate myself for it. Now when I look to my future, I have no idea what to do; teacher, lecturer, psychologist, translator, who knows! All I know is that I will never feel fulfilled unless I meet the expectations of the rest of my family. Get married, have kids (grand-kids is a must says my dad). Truth is, I don’t know what my future holds and I don’t want to care, so long as I stay with my friends and end up dying while feeling life was worth it. That’s not how I treat it, I treat my life like I was supposed to have some sort of plan or something. But now I am gay. That’s what I tell myself and everyone around me. Did I decide to change my sexuality just because I haven’t had a true relationship, a proper first kiss? And being the kinda guy who wants do the whole wait for the right one “shpiel” means that I have to stay single. I’ve somehow found myself promising my dad at least two grandchildren and a yacht for him to spend his dreams. Hmm. I might never end up fulfilling my life at the rate that I’m going.