My parents tell me I'm being irrational worrying about them both having diabetes now. I wouldn't be so worried if it weren’t for the fact that mum isn't changing. She's completely ignoring the diet advice her doctor gave her.
And everytime I leave my room I hear mum and dad argue over this. How do I get through to her this isn't something she can just shrug at?
This is stress I don't need. My mum convinced me not to go to the doctors for pills this winter. She told me I shouldn't have issues with the Seasonal Affective Disorder now that I've beaten my full-blown depression
But the cold, hard truth is I'm scared.
I don't want a repeat of last year. I don;t want to be laying, crying in bed come new years eve and contemplating the things I contemplated.
Yeah, mums right. The full-blown depression is gone, but she can;t assume everything is fine and dandy now. Because it's not, I still get sad and anxious over stuff. And I can recognise the early signs of the S.A.D starting.
The feelings of boredom and out-of-placeness. The wanting's to just sleep and ignore the world. To just blast my itunes at full volume and not think about anything.
The thing is there are time I want to cry, but I don't
Because for some reason I think if I let myself cry i'm letting it win. I'm being weak.
And I know that sounds completely crazy. That sadness is a normal emotion and that it doesn't mean the depression is back.
I also know holding it in will backfire on me.
God, I'm such a mess sometimes. I wish I could to talk to my parents about this, but to them my depression wasn't serious. They were happy when it was gone, but they didn't really believe it existed in the first place. My mum thinks being almost raped at ten/eleven isn't serious, because it was almost - ten/eleven because I can't remember what year we moved here-. She thinks bullying throughout secondary school doesn't matter because everyone goes through it. She thinks having to move around because my dad was in the army shouldn't effect me.
My dad? He just makes jokes – sometimes about me committing suicide! - he just doesn't do serious talk.
My mum only says it shouldn't bother me because she's been in similar situations. Though at least she was old enough to know what sex was!
And what has she become? A person who ignores difficult situations. The last time she hugged me was when I was sixteen and she was drunk at the time.
Yeah – I know, silly thing to bother me, but it does.
And I think I shall end my rant now! Apologies for the dark content.