I spend so much time at the moment being angry.. then again, I suppose I am better than I was and that is probably because (hate me for it, I don't mind) my girlfriend and I have broken up... finally I guess.
It had been a long time coming and it was actually weeks ago now...
But when I was with her things were so hard. Her life and everything about her has pretty much always been a scary prospect for me and she had/has an operation coming up which is slightly life-risking and I was scared about that too.
Then going back to cassandra's rant 'Do You Know What I'm Talking About' because I had people telling me they wanted to go back to cutting herself and I had one of my closest friends being upset about her ex-boyfriend and the fact that all her friends had turned against her.
Then he told me he fancied me.
And he told me his best friend fancies me too.
And someone else told me that another guy fancies me.
And it's stupid. I hate myself for being bothered by it, but I was. I was mad, even, because I just didn't want it. I love that I'm getting attention but I didn't want to be wanted, not like that. Not in the way it always is.
My girlfriend and I broke up and it was a long time coming.
And now I have such beautiful personalities around me and I am afraid to get close to any of them because I don't want to be wanted the way they always want me. I don't want a relationship.
I'm so tired of hurting people and yet right now, just by dating someone, I could possibly hurt.. 1,2,3,4.. I guess perhaps five people depending on which person I dated.
I spent a lot of time thinking about everyone else. Not enough though. I am not important in all of this and I should still be thinking about everyone else but.. something has hit me and I've lost my selfless-ness.
I just can't do this any more. Being the friend in the middle of the arguing ones. Just carrying on with life when my best friend tells my ex-girlfriend my secrets. Being nervy about getting close to anyone. Trying to let people down gently. F*cking up time and time again because I'm just not good enough for all of this.
I'm sick and tired of it all.