Have you ever been so bad at everything that you feel the need to be the best at something?
For awhile, I was okay with myself. But then, the more I realized how un-talented I am, the more I wanted to excel in at least something.
So, I poured my heart into writing. I wrote and wrote and wrote...all the time. And I posted my stuff on here. Apparently, the stuff I wrote wasn't awful, because for three brief, heady days, I was #1 on Protagonize.
And then, reality struck.
I've been having a terrible week, and when I was knocked from the Top Ten, it was like I lost control. I've always been able to control my emotions and feelings - check out my work "Do You Know What I'm Talking About" to get the full story - but today, when I was knocked from my pedestal (blast my stupid pride!), I lost it. It was like the one thing I was good at got taken away. And a whole pot of miscommunication brewed. I guess I wasn't careful enough with my words, because evidently, I said some things that got interpreted in a different way than I meant. I greatly regret whatever I said that made people frustrated, but the thing about words is - you can't take them back.
I've been beating myself up ever since.
To top it all off, I yelled at someone very close to me, and suffered the consequences greatly.
I'm not angry with anyone but myself. But I did the stupidest thing by losing control. Knowing my uncanny knack for getting myself into the most impossible fixes, what I did will probably come back to haunt me.
Why, oh, why, do I have to be so dumb? I promise, I'm not usually the way I was this morning!
Okay. There's the rant.