A year ago today… food, food, and more food. No escape, and I broke. I broke into a million pieces and no one knew, no one could see, no one could reach me. In a wild frenzy, blind panic, I gorged on the snacks and pizza everyone else ate in normalcy. But no one could see the difference. It was the first time I binged after practically nothing for months and my body almost got rid of it itself for the simple fact of being overwhelmed. I kept it down, or did I? I don’t really remember anything about that time distinctly; I just remember seeing nothing, losing all control, and shoving food into my empty stomach… how it felt to have food in my mouth, sliding down my throat into the bottomless pit of my emotional hunger and deprivation. And the next day how it happened again. The next day, again. Until, in a little more than two weeks, I gained back all the weight I had lost.
A year ago today Ana forsook me, but her ghost remained to haunt and torment. I panicked when I knew what I had done and I tried to get back. While everyone else was watching TV and hanging out, I ran the hallways and stairs of the near empty hotel, fear and hate screaming me on. But it was over for me; I had eaten, I had lost it for good. And once the light of Ana’s deceit ceased to hold me on her false wings, I crashed to the ground and shattered. And darkness ruled.
That is, until He saved me. Until He started to gather up the pieces of my heart that remained and heal me. Now, everything is different. There is light, there is hope, there is healing and peace; who has more to be thankful for than I? There is truly no depth of praise deep or full or rich enough to express the glories of Him who saved me and raised me to life. Everything is made new, everything is changed. And for that I give thanks.
Yes, nothing is the same this year, but I wanted to remember before. To remember the depths of despair so that I may give thanks for what He, and He alone, has done. So many things remind me. Little thing. Scars that weren’t there before. It hurts with throbs and stabs of pain to remember a year ago today, but it is good.
God is good. I praise Him for the ashes; He has transformed them into beauty, just like He said He would.