And sometimes, even at the table of blessing, I want to go back to eating the ashes. How can this be? How could I miss something so awful and dark? What is it that at times makes me want to throw away everything I’ve gained for colorful, empty lies that dance on the wind? What is it that makes thinness such an object of frenzied desire, willing to be purchased whatever the cost?
I don’t understand, I just know that I can’t, I won’t go back! Nevertheless, I still want to be thin, to be paper thin, see-through, lighter than air…
As it is, I remain very present and visible and embarrassingly dependant on food; dreadfully susceptible to eating and giving in. At times I still feel out of control and I despise my weakness, yet I keep it down and move on.
Sometimes it’s hard… sometimes I just want to go back. But I won’t!