Thursday, September 15th, 2011Mature

            The ED was mine!  The ED was mine!  She couldn’t be content with the cutting and the anxiety attacks and the nightmares, no she had to take my ED too!  I want it back, I want it back!  It isn’t fair!  I should be praying, I should be caring, but all I can think about is how the ED was mine.

            And I don’t understand how I can think this after I know the hell I was in and the freedom I’m in now.  Of Course I don’t really want it back, I’m just so incredibly jealous right now; jealous of her disease, jealous of her and my other friend having been successful enough (or should I say sick enough) to earn treatment, jealous that she’s talking to her and not me… jealous and feeling horrible about being jealous.  Angry and feeling wretched because I’m angry and not concerned.  It’s all too much.

            How could I be jealous when I am so blessed and surrounded by love and support.  I know nothing of pain- real, searing, agonizing pain… I know nothing.  How dare I ever say I had an ED, let alone am “recovering” from one.  Ha, I don’t know what it’s like!  And if I did have one I didn’t have it long enough to earn the title.  Not in the slightest.

           

            I wasn’t planning for today’s entry to be anything like the one above, but there it is, my heart screamed through pen to paper.  Just seeing that brought back so many old feelings.  Mainly, how I never “made it” with my ED and never even began to earn the right to recover.

            In that year when I was so lost, so enmeshed in my friend’s pain, I felt like I lost everything and let them take it all from me.  Yes, I let them take it all until the only thing I had left was an ED.  It was mine and only mine and they couldn’t take that.  But reading that post brought back all those thoughts back in one awful moment.  I still feel no sympathy, no care for my friend in regard to this.  I feel like she stole what was rightfully mine.  This is so wrong and I know it is, but as of now I cannot shake this from me.  I am so angry and feel absolutely awful for feeling so.

            Awful especially since I have been the recipient of so much help and support when in perspective I don’t even really need it.  Not like my friend or most everybody else does.  I’m discouraged too ‘cause I’ve started little by little letting the knowledge that my friend is seeing the same counselor affect how I view my sessions.  I believe two factors play into these feelings: 1). Is jealousy that I don’t get the counselor all to myself and, like most everything else, I have to share them with my friend(s). and 2) I feel very, very threatened because I know my “problems” and “needs” can’t begin to compete with theirs.

            Do you see how ridiculous and immature I’m being?  Who gives a darn (besides me) if… oh I don’t know.  I just know that my illegitimate problems can still be tended to and I don’t hafta feel guilty about it.  Why don’t I get it?

The End

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