Friday, September 9th, 2011Mature

Today was one of those days where you just want to purge it all back out.  And I started to, but something strange happened – I thought of Jesus; not of His condemnation of my deliberate sin, but of His love for me and how my actions of self-harm would hurt Him more than me.  So I stopped.

            Oh but how I miss my old friends.  Though they were wretched and made me miserable I knew I could always count on them to bring relief, brief and fragile as it was.  Ana, Mia, Cutting, verbal abuse from me to myself… how could I ever miss that life when I know all along that all I wanted to do was die?  It was awful, but it was familiar…

            Now I don’t know what’s going on.  In certain ways I feel more lost now than I did them.  Not hopelessly lost, but lost in a sea of knowledge, unable to find any of my foundation beliefs on which to stand.  I know so much yet believe so little.  Simple core truths of Christianity that I’ve known before Pre-K are only now beginning to penetrate my soul…

            Jesus loves me, this I know and find insanely hard to believe, despite the Bible telling me so.   But I guess I’m learning, be it at a snails pace.  I just feel so lost right now.  So exposed and vulnerable with no anchor.  I wish things just made sense and I could just “get it”.  I wish I knew who my God is and… most of all I want to know if I’m ok?  People have told me I am in the past so that should be enough for me!!  But I feel like I need to keep hearing it over and over again for me to believe it.  And I know that’s probably stupid, and I know God thinks I’m ok, but I just want to hear it again.  I need to hear it again.

            Am I truly ok?  Will I be ok?

            Why am I so needy?

            So much guilt… it’s crushing me.

The End

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