Today was one of those days where you just want to purge it all back out. And I started to, but something strange happened – I thought of Jesus; not of His condemnation of my deliberate sin, but of His love for me and how my actions of self-harm would hurt Him more than me. So I stopped.
Oh but how I miss my old friends. Though they were wretched and made me miserable I knew I could always count on them to bring relief, brief and fragile as it was. Ana, Mia, Cutting, verbal abuse from me to myself… how could I ever miss that life when I know all along that all I wanted to do was die? It was awful, but it was familiar…
Now I don’t know what’s going on. In certain ways I feel more lost now than I did them. Not hopelessly lost, but lost in a sea of knowledge, unable to find any of my foundation beliefs on which to stand. I know so much yet believe so little. Simple core truths of Christianity that I’ve known before Pre-K are only now beginning to penetrate my soul…
Jesus loves me, this I know and find insanely hard to believe, despite the Bible telling me so. But I guess I’m learning, be it at a snails pace. I just feel so lost right now. So exposed and vulnerable with no anchor. I wish things just made sense and I could just “get it”. I wish I knew who my God is and… most of all I want to know if I’m ok? People have told me I am in the past so that should be enough for me!! But I feel like I need to keep hearing it over and over again for me to believe it. And I know that’s probably stupid, and I know God thinks I’m ok, but I just want to hear it again. I need to hear it again.
Am I truly ok? Will I be ok?
Why am I so needy?
So much guilt… it’s crushing me.