Thursday, September 8th, 2011Mature

Every step I take on this journey, guilt threatens to destroy me.  Nevertheless, I move forward.

Today has been so nurturing to my soul, and thus the repeated attacks of guilt.  First was a counseling session.  We talked about my frustration with food and my all or nothing mindset with eating and in just about every other area of my life.  I also expressed how I feel so guilty for being ok and believing/accepting myself when no one else accepts themselves.  And I told him how seeing people hurt, knowing someone is in pain nearly breaks me in half, especially when I can do nothing to relieve their sorrow.  As a result of not being able to help everyone in every situation I feel helpless and end up hurting myself.  Because, after all, if I can't do anything to alleviate their pain I can at least be in pain as well, even if it's self-inflicted... overall, it was a really good session and I felt like I truly expressed myself.  It's such an incredible feeling... and one I'm not accustomed to.

Towards the end of the session my counselor accidentally called me by my friends name.  Boy, did that set off a whole negative chain reaction and up came the walls.  I know it was a mistake, but all the same I just wanted out of there as quickly as possible.  I all the sudden felt stupid for saying everything I did and really unsafe.

You see, knowing that my other friend was seeing the same counselor was a big reason I didn't want to go back at first.  1). because I don't feel free to express my feelings about mine and my friends relationship and 2) because, compared with my friend, I have absolutely NO right to receive help for my so called "hurt."  I feel like such a fraud for getting counseling because I've never been sick enough, thing enough, depressed enough, abused, used, or rejected.  I'm just a girl who managed to get things messed up in her mind even though she lived in a near perfect life.

It took me a year to get passed those thoughts enough to actually want counseling.  Not because I need real help for my fake problems but because I know it's helpful on my path towards freedom.

Ok, so... obviously I'm not quite over those other thoughts.  But at least they've receded enough so that I don't drowned in guilt for choosing to get counseling.

Anyway, later in the day I had my math tutoring with, well, my math tutor! : )  I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! She literally is amazing.  We didn't really do much math, and we basically just talked about me and my future and fears.  She was so encouraging... and she challenged me to see decisions not as either right or wrong but merely as decisions.  The right or wrong is only when you're dealing with things which lead strictly to or away from God.  She explained it better...

Over and over again she said, "You'll get through this.  You'll get there.  You're gonna be ok.  Just keep being Carmen."  Do you see how wonderful she is?

The result of this conversation left me feeling so encouraged and (dare I say it?) loved.  For the first time since I don't remember when I let myself be loved, FEEL loved.  The guilt came crashing down then... how dare I accept such love, such kindness?  How dare I let someone care about me?  How dare I talk about myself and what I really feel?  How dare I be the one receiving instead of giving?  HOW DARE I?

When these feelings became too much to bear I expressed it all to mom.  And do you know what? The feelings of guilt subsided a little.  At least enough so I could focus on something else.

The End

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