Today I have been encumbered with old fears, mainly my fear of food. I don’t know why this week has been so difficult, but I can probably blame it on something I’ve done wrong or some truth I’m not believing. The root cause is always my mistake, or so it seems.
As you can see, my repetitive and confusing trains of thought are also visiting for the day. How pleasant! Thing is, I should know better… and I do know better. I guess I could say I should be doing better than I am ‘cause I know better.
Today’s fear has kept me from eating lunch (which is not a big deal) but I’m fed up ‘cause I let fear get the better of me. And I know that’s not right and I feel like a loser. Part of me, though, is excited because I realize I could still starve myself. What I see now that I didn’t a year ago when I wasn’t eating is that my ability to restrict is due largely to my fear of food. That seems obvious, but before I just thought it depended solely on self-control, and so every time I forced myself to eat and unknowingly overcame my fear I thought it was just personal weakness. In reality it was strength, but boy it felt so awful that I never came to that realization.
Being free is better than being thin. I must keep reminding myself of this over and over or I could “lose it” very easily. It seems like a no-brainer choice, but believe me it isn’t. Or at least not for me.