He brought me out, He really did. I still don’t know how exactly He did it, but He did! And I am so thankful. I am no longer dreading the future, nor am I afraid of it. Now I know the Lord will help me just with each day at a time, like He does with the sparrows. He is faithful. He will never, ever leave me, not for a moment. He may hide His face so that I will always seek Him, but He will never leave me alone. I trust that.
I think today I’m going to begin the Bible study I got recently calledRecovering from Distorted Images of God. It looks like a really good study, but at the same time I’m scared to start ‘cause I know it will be painful. I’m gonna do it anyway though.
I don’t really know who God is at all…
The first distorted image the study looks at is the God of Impossible Expectations. I don’t know what in my life has led me to believe I’m not good enough, but that’s how I’ve felt for as long as I can remember. Contrast that to who God really is and how He really sees me… He delights in me and has compassion on me simply because I’m His child. I wish I understood. I wish that clicked, but it doesn’t. At least not yet.
I am scared to know this God, believe it or not. I am still scared to be fully loved, accepted and ok. I don’t know why I’m so scared. What do I do now? I don’t even know my God! And I’m scared to find out, just because I know He’ll blow me away with His goodness and love for me. I’m scared, and I’m sorry. Sorry for not knowing my savior when He knows me so intimately.
My sister asked if I was alright and I just told her that I didn’t know who my God is. That’s all I expressed and several tears managed to escape and roll down my cheeks. “But just think of all you get to discover! How exciting!” and it will be, yes, I know she’s right.
It’s just that I recognize I’m back to square one: I don’t know my God, I continue to rely on past, sinful habits, and there’s so much that needs fixing. The book You Don’t Have to be Gay is actually a really helpful book for anyone who struggles with addiction. Lots of things I read in it today where helpful to me. The author quotes a lot of other books though, so I can never really keep it clear what’s from what– here is an excerpt that was especially helpful to me:
“In no way does stopping… behavior signify recovery. Recovery ultimately must occur from within. Sure, stopping… behavior is necessary, in fact vital, but your whole identity needs to be restructured and set upon a Godly path through the renewal of your mind.” (pg 202).
See, I used to think I would be “fine” if I jut started eating again. I wasn’t, of course, and I knew I wasn’t deep down inside of me. But because I had all the appearances of being “recovered”, I thought it was stupid of me to actually ask for help ‘cause I was “fine”. I see clearly now.
Here’s another quote in which the author is quoting another book calledHow to Say No to a Stubborn Habit, by Lutzer:
“A man recently released from prison was having a difficult time adjusting to his freedom. He tried this experiment: He took a glass bottle with a distinct shape and crammed it full of wires, some small and some large. After some time had passed he smashed the bottle with a hammer. The result? Most of the wires retained the shape of the bottle. Those wires had to be straightened out, one by one.
The man had established his point: It is possible to be technically free and still retain the traits of bondage. Even though a man is liberated, he must adjust to his freedom and carefully dismantle the habits of the past.” (pg. 207).