I miss it so much… my disorder. I miss it so much. But I WILL NOT go back. The end is far better than what I’ve left behind. To look back is to relapse, something I learned from a friend. To look back is to not move forward. And I so desperately want to move forward; to move towards freedom, to be engulfed in light. I want to LIVE!
Yet I feel so guilty for these reasonable and healthy choices even though I know it’s right. I just feel like I’m committing a crime by enjoying and joying in my life. Hardly anyone else does and it feels so unfair for me to live when they are merely living dead… like I was. Then I realize I can’t make the choice of freedom for them, only they can. And then I become terribly afraid of feeling proud for making that decision. In reality I know God orchestrated everything so that I couldn’t possibly say no to freedom. Yes, I made a choice, but seriously who wouldn’t if they were in my shoes: they have incredible, caring friends, a supportive family, parents who want the best for me and who selflessly give of their time, money, and energy, a loving church… seriously, who wouldn’t say yes?