Friday, August 26th, 2011Mature

I miss it so much… my disorder.  I miss it so much.  But I WILL NOT go back.  The end is far better than what I’ve left behind.  To look back is to relapse, something I learned from a friend.  To look back is to not move forward.  And I so desperately want to move forward; to move towards freedom, to be engulfed in light.  I want to LIVE!

            Yet I feel so guilty for these reasonable and healthy choices even though I know it’s right.  I just feel like I’m committing a crime by enjoying and joying in my life.  Hardly anyone else does and it feels so unfair for me to live when they are merely living dead… like I was.  Then I realize I can’t make the choice of freedom for them, only they can.  And then I become terribly afraid of feeling proud for making that decision.  In reality I know God orchestrated everything so that I couldn’t possibly say no to freedom.  Yes, I made a choice, but seriously who wouldn’t if they were in my shoes: they have incredible, caring friends, a supportive family, parents who want the best for me and who selflessly give of their time, money, and energy, a loving church… seriously, who wouldn’t say yes?  

The End

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