Sometimes I just want to be heard. Sometimes I just want to talk without anyone analyzing, speculating, suggesting. I know there are people in my life who would listen, so it’s (of course) up to me. “Take a risk,” my counselor says.
This (me, in other words) is so stupid; I’ve sunk myself into this depression. No outward circumstances, just me and me alone am solely responsible. Thing is, I don’t want to move. I’m afraid if I’m totally ok again I’ll be overtaken with other’s pain. And of course that’s the whole purpose of God’s grace. It’s sufficient! I just have to trust whole-heartedly. Right now though I don’t have a heart, I just have a stomach.
I weighed so much this morning! No gumption even to get rid of what I eat. I’m never full. I just eat and eat and eat. No guilt. No pain. No epiphanies. Nothing. Just exhaustion and nothingness. I have no energy. Zilch. Nada. None. All I want to do is sleep. If someone were to ask what was wrong I wouldn’t be able to answer. Nothing is wrong. Indeed, nothing is wrong.
I’m scared of feeling, but I hate not feeling. But hate is a feeling and so is being scared and there is nothing right now. Or maybe there is. I don’t know. I don’t know.