Monday, March 28th, 2011Mature

Sometimes I just want to be heard.  Sometimes I just want to talk without anyone analyzing, speculating, suggesting.  I know there are people in my life who would listen, so it’s (of course) up to me.  “Take a risk,” my counselor says.

            This (me, in other words) is so stupid; I’ve sunk myself into this depression.  No outward circumstances, just me and me alone am solely responsible.  Thing is, I don’t want to move.  I’m afraid if I’m totally ok again I’ll be overtaken with other’s pain.  And of course that’s the whole purpose of God’s grace.  It’s sufficient!  I just have to trust whole-heartedly.  Right now though I don’t have a heart, I just have a stomach.

            I weighed so much this morning!  No gumption even to get rid of what I eat.  I’m never full.  I just eat and eat and eat.  No guilt.  No pain.  No epiphanies.  Nothing.  Just exhaustion and nothingness.  I have no energy.  Zilch.  Nada.  None.  All I want to do is sleep.  If someone were to ask what was wrong I wouldn’t be able to answer.  Nothing is wrong.  Indeed, nothing is wrong.

            I’m scared of feeling, but I hate not feeling.  But hate is a feeling and so is being scared and there is nothing right now.  Or maybe there is.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.

The End

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