Saturday, February 26th, 2011Mature

Beauty From Pain

–      Superchick

 

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know I’m alive, but I feel like I’ve died

 

And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made

I try to keep warm but I just grow colder

I feel like I’m slipping away…

 

After all this has passed, I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

 

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best I can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory –

I wonder why God lets me walk through this place?

 

And though I can’t understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how You’ve brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

 

After all this has passed, I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me

Trying to hold to what I can’t see

I’ve forgot how to hope

This night seems so long

I cling to Your promise –

There will be a dawn

 

            I know what I need to do.  But I’m playing the part of helpless.  I’m not benefiting from this state of mind at all.  It’s complete and total sin, but I need to get past that and accept mercy and grace.

            Yesterday my appointment with my counselor was the epitome of awful.  It’s not her at all, of course, it’s me.  I’ve closed myself up, crippled myself, locked myself in despair and threw away the key.  I am the guard, making sure I don’t cry out for help, making sure I don’t try to escape.  There are two of me, diametrically opposed to one another.  I don’t really like either of them.

            On Monday at nine, mom, dad, the counselor and I are meeting to figure out what to do and if I should continue counseling…

            What do I do?  There are so many people who want to help me and would if I let them.  But will I let them?  You see, there’s no halfway in this – it’s either all or nothing.  Kinda like food.  I know I could do “it” if I tried.  Deep down I know I won’t be lost if I accept healing.

            But I’m NOT hurting, I’m just sinning.  I need to repent, to deny/kill myself.  Oh no, no, there is no excuse for me if I stay here… none.  Everything is fine, it’s fine.  I’m fine.  This is horrid though; I’m scared to pray because I know God will help and enable me and give me peace.  And I’m terrified of peace.

The End

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