Wednesday, February 16th, 2011Mature

I’m terrified of feeling ok, of being happy.  I can’t really stand the thought of it.  I’m also terrified of journaling (which sounds weird seeing as I do it a lot), because every time I write I discover more about myself and I don’t want to, I want to stay in the darkness… there you have it.  Awful.  Completely, totally, horribly awful.

            Today is another day of unbearable calm.  An unasked for reprieve.  I can’t rest in it… what do I feel?  What do I think?  What am I doing?  What’s going on?  Today there are actually rational thought going through my head and I’m trying my best not to entertain them, though that’s completely the wrong thing.  Thoughts such as – I am real, my feelings are legitimate, food is ok, people love me despite my size…

            What is this?  I don’t want it… I want to be thin.  I want to be thin.  I just want to be thin.

The End

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