Thursday, February 10th, 2011Mature

I can’t think through what happened today…

            In class I was giving a speech on believing God made and accepts you as you are and there’s no need to be more.  Well, that was stupid ‘cause it’s the most hypocritical thing I’ve done in awhile.  Anyway, I didn’t get past the intro and I started crying and the whole thing flopped.  I couldn’t go on so I just stopped and ran away.  I found a dark closet upstairs somewhere and sobbed and sobbed.  Then I went outside and walked along the frozen riverbed.

            Well, when I went back to the co-op building everyone started hugging me and telling me they loved me.  I kept crying and crying and not wanting to!  At one point, one of the moms came over and was like, “come here, I know what you’re going through”.  Then she told me how she’s struggled with depression most of her life.  “Tell your mom or someone you need help, but don’t suffer in silence”.  Then another mom talked to me as well; “those lies are seductive and we all struggle with them, but they are also destructive”.  I told them all for heaven’s sake to just stop loving me, but that didn’t fly.  I also learned later that after the rest of the class gave their speeches they all prayed for me…

            All I know is that I fucked up a lot of things today.  Pardon the language; it looks way worse when it’s written as opposed to when you say it when no one’s around.

            I should be responding differently.  I should be giving in.  I should just accept all this overwhelming love.  But that’s the thing; if I break I will be overwhelmed and I will be lost.  And right now I’m too lazy and too much of a sissy to do what I should.  At the cost of others…

            WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE FAITH?!?!!  I am sinning, sinning, sinning.  Every blessing He pours out on me I throw back in His face because I don’t accept it.  There is nothing more horrible, more gross, more wretched.  I’d rather cling to my imaginary, fake eating disorder than seek His beautiful face.  I’d rather live miserable with these lies than exert myself to believe the truth.  There is something desperately wrong with that.

            I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!!!  I’m just in a daze and it’s getting to the point where I almost can’t function properly anymore.

The End

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