Tuesday, February 8th, 2011Mature

When did I stop believing?  There is no excuse for me.  I am guilty, guilty of a double wickedness: I’m guilty of the sin of unbelief and I’m guilty in that I don’t want to/won’t do what it takes to believe.  “It’s too hard,” I whine.  There is absolutely no excuse for my selfish behavior!  None!  What a low-down, good-for-nothing, scoundrel!!  Right now it’s all about me and I’m such a bitch!  And I know these are lies and I just keep using the same ones over and over again and I just need to move on and get over it and accept the truth and start living for something other then my stupid self and actually love people!  Right now I’m so self-consumed I can’t even think about anything other than myself and food.  AND I HATE IT!!!  I HAVE NO REASON FOR ACTING THIS WAY AND I KNOW THE COURSE OF ACTION I SHOULD BE TAKING BUT I DON’T TAKE IT AND ALL I’M TAKING IS ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE’S CARE AND ATTENTION AND DESIRE TO HELP AND I’M HURTING THEM CAUSE I’M SLAPPING THEM IN THE FACE AND I’M NOT HURTING I’M JUST SINNING AND REBELLING AGAINST GOD AND I’M SO WRONG AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT ENTIRELY AND I WON’T RIGHT IT!!!  I’M JUST TOO OBSTENENT AND STUBBORN AND LAZY TO OBEY THE TRUTH AND BELIEVE!!!

            KILL ME!!!!!  I brought myself here.  It’s my fault.  No excuse. …I’m willingly serving the devil and believing his lies… oh kill me, kill me, KILL ME!!!!!  TAKE THAT BIG KNIFE IN THE KITCHEN AND SLIT MY THROAT AND WRISTS.

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