Tuesday, February 1st, 2011Mature

You need to die!

            Carmen, you would be much better of dead!!!

            That way you wouldn’t hurt anybody else.

            Heartless, cruel…

            I hate you!

 

            I want to kill myself.  Never have I wanted this before, but I do now.  The pain mom is in right now is because of me… I need to die.  I need to die.  I need to die! 

            At coffee with mom I asked what I could do for her, and do you know what she said?  “Love me…” If words could kill, I would have died.  She doesn’t know!  She doesn’t know!  How can this be?  How could I have messed all this up so badly?  I need to die!!!

            Somehow I saw this all coming.  And maybe that’s why it came.  Oh God, this is all my doing!  I’m a murderer; of relationships, of joy.  I want to die, I want to die!  I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.  I’m so, so sorry.  I’ve thought all this into existence.  Can I think myself into extinction?

            Maybe I’m just a thorn in the flesh.  A vessel for dishonor…

            Why do I put off the inevitable?  In the end I know God will have His way and He will win, and I’ll look back on this time with regret, with loathing.  For now I know this for what it is – I’m just a spoiled child who needs a beating, not love and attention because those are in abundant supply.

            I want to take a walk in this snowstorm and disappear forever.

 

Will someone please tell me what kind of heart I have?  Or if I even have a heart?  Maybe, maybe there’s actually nothing there.  Maybe I have nothing to me; I’m simply an empty, shallow girl with hollow pain.  The part in me that I do know is real is the wrong part; the part that deliberately avoids situations in which I will be the recipient, the part that denies comfort, denies love, the part that won’t turn to God because He is those things I so greatly fear… the part that can only tolerate helping others but not being helped, the part that longs for healing for her friends but makes herself sick.

            Maybe there’s nothing more to me than what meets the eye.  No heart to share ‘cause maybe I don’t have one.

 

The End

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