Thursday, January 20th, 2011Mature

None of it matters.  Food doesn’t matter.  Eating doesn’t matter.  Being thin doesn’t matter and neither does being fat.  It doesn’t matter.


            My heart, oh my heart hurts so badly.  Can a heart physically break?  Mine just aches, aches so much that I can’t eat…

            Oh this stupid eating!  It’s not a problem, I just have to learn how to live with it.  It’s a lifestyle. Destructive?  Yes, but a lifestyle nonetheless.

            I have never been so afraid of myself before, and afraid of things in general.  My faith is eroded and about to wash away completely.  I’m terrified of this.  It can’t happen.  I can’t leave Jesus… yet, at the same time, have I ever known Him, ever denied myself for Him?  Oh God, if I can’t bear Your name properly I can’t see how I can bear it at all.  Until I get my act together should I cease to bear Your name altogether?  Yet I know this is wrong!  For heaven’s sake that makes His death, His grace all in vain.  It is sin for me to think I can do it on my own ‘cause I never will be able to.  And the only things standing in the way of all this is myself.  But I cannot speak, I cannot find the way from my heart to my mouth.  There has always, always been a disconnect.  My death is almost complete, and I am my murderer.

The End

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