Wednesday, January 19th, 2011Mature

Fallen from grace.

            Is such a thing possible?  I believe yes.  And I believe I have. 

            God forgive me…

 

            I want to be thin.  I want to weigh nothing.  I want to be air.

 

            Carmen, you HAVE to fix yourself and you’ve gotta do it soon.

 

Yes, today is another fragmented day, at least in regard to thought.  That’s why I’m writing in little segments.

 

Joy, happiness is self-perpetuated and sustained.  I can make it if I just try harderSO TRY HARDER!!!!

 

Am I saved?  Truly?

 

In my counseling session today, she said I’m just going through a rebellion against mom and being controlled in general.  I was, of course, shocked at this statement and was about to argue when I realized it’s all true.  All this ED stuff is totally a result of my immaturity and two-year-old nature.  I had prided myself to be above such base, awful thoughts as to actually act in a way to cause pain.  But that’s totally and completely what I’ve been doing and I just haven’t wanted to admit it, liar that I am.  Ever since they presented this whole one-month-plan thing, my first thought was, “they might be able to take away this and that and make me eat, but they can’t stop me from hurting myself or purging”.  So all along, while claiming how noble I was in not wanting to hurt anyone, I deliberately acted in such a way as I know will cause pain. 

Do you see?  There is no escape from pride.  I realize it now.  I was getting pretty good at fooling myself that my actions were justified.  Can you believe it?  This whole ED thing is just a power struggle apparently, a lame attempt at attention I really don’t need.  I don’t need love, I need a darn good spanking and a lot of good, hard whacks on the head.  It might have been easier if I had never been born… I wonder if mom and dad have ever wished that.

My counselor gave me three assignments this week:

  1. Open my heart
  2. Make a commitment to get better
  3. Love myself

I can’t find my heart anymore.  I think my mind has analyzed it into extinction.  I’m afraid I’ve lost it… killed it, more than likely.  And make a commitment?  To what, healing? … I’m not broken.

            I’m sorry.  I’m so, so, so, so sorry.  Please, oh, I’m so sorry.

 

The End

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