Tuesday, January 11th, 2011Mature

I’m sorry, ok?  I’m sorry…

            I can’t stand food yet I think about if so often.  I know I have to eat but I HATE it!  I know I shouldn’t purge and it’s the wrong thing to do and blah, blah, blah… but I can’t stand food inside of me!  So why in the world do I just want to eat, eat, eat?!?!!!  And the confusing/annoying thing is that last week, only a week ago, I was eating “fine”.  Granted, I felt like the lowest piece of scum on the earth every time I took a bite or felt hungry, but nevertheless I ate and kept it down.  AAAHHHH!!!!!

            I’m sorry, I know I’m _______ and ________!!!!!  (The reason for the blanks is that I said I wouldn’t write any negative terms about myself, so I’ll just write blanks.  Of course, that’s not right either ‘cause I’m still thinking it, and that means I’m not taking my thoughts captive, and that means I’m neglecting my responsibility, and that means I’m hindering God’s work in my life, and so on, and so on, and so on…)


            Most people when they’re hurting take their hurt and in it help others.  Me?  I’m just sitting here, wallowing in STUPID self-pity.  I can’t even focus on school or anything I’m so consumed by this, whatever “this” is.  I can’t keep doing this!  I hate it!  And yet, I purposefully keep myself here.  Honestly, how STUPID CAN I BE?!?!?!!!


            I want to cut myself so badly.  I want to make myself bleed and bleed and bleed… why, if it works, are they taking this away from me?  Ok, yes, I know it’s a bad way to deal with things, but it works!

            Oh brother, I’m not a real cutter at all.  Real cutters have real reasons to cut; they have legitimate pain.  And what does it even matter anyway?  Why should I care so much?  Not why should I, why do I?  I need to just admit I have a stupid, illegitimate problem and move on!

            This is SO dumb!  Now I can’t even write in my journal without imagining my counselor listening, sympathizing… that’s all this is them, just a game for attention – a game at the expense of others trying to help me, and whose help I refuse.  I am a monster.  How could I do this to those I love?  It’s true, I am a monster.  I’m looking for fulfillment from people while in reality I should be satisfied with God alone.  I should be running to Him and casting all my cares on Him and resting in Him…

            All this, this eating stuff and cutting is just a gimmick for myself and others to believe I’m actually hurting, when in reality I’m just a stupid little girl who really needs to GROW UP!!!!  Don’t play this game with me.  Reject me.  Better yet, take all the hurt I’ve caused (or any hurt for that matter) and take it out on me.  Hurt me.  That is what I deserve.  Not love and healing.  Just hurt me, please.  I’ll help you…

The End

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