God is beautiful. God is good. God is faithful. And God is absolutely magnificent! Never have I doubted that. Through all of this (whatever “this” is), I know that truth: God is good. How could He be otherwise? I just finished reading Second Chronicles one-nine about Solomon’s reign and the building of the temple. I think my favorite part is the verse, “Behold, Heaven and the heaven of heavens cannot contain You!” (Chapter six, verse 18). My God is mighty. There is NOTHING He cannot do.
Mom put together a compilation of her thoughts and dad, mom and I went over it together. Basically it was a lot of questions about what I’m feeling. They were good questions and they expect me to answer them. I owe them answers, but I’m too scared, embarrassed, and actually incapable to do so. I owe them an explanation, I do. They deserve it. Goodness knows they’re trying as best they know how with my silence and uncooperation, if that’s what you want to call it. They want what’s best for me, so why can’t I give it to them? I want to be a good, loving, obedient daughter… I want to stop hurting them. I want to stop being such a frustration and a burden. I’m sorry, I really am. Mom and dad, I don’t blame you in the slightest for my issues with food or the problems I’m facing. I KNOW it’s all my fault and I’m the only one who can fix it. I’m really, REALLY sorry you have to deal with me… I know how frustrating I am.
At the end of the paper was a one-month plan. This is what it said:
- Get up/go to bed at a set time
- Devotion time with plan/Bible memory
- Exercise program
- Make a menu of healthy foods
- Take supplements
- Have a schedule
- Only speak/think/write truth from God’s word
- Limit phone/music(iPod)/computer/friends
- Sing hymns
- Ministry involvement…?
She said she didn’t care if I liked it or not, we are going to do it. They were even going to take away my journal but I absolutely refused. So they said then I was to only write God’s truth about me and things, and not to look back at past entries. I won’t look back at past entries, I do promise that, but if I don’t write my feelings/thoughts down somewhere I’m going to explode! I’ll try, for mom and dad, I really will. I won’t say I’m fat or stupid or call myself a bitch, I won’t! I’ll even memorize verses and write them down and say them. But this isn’t the way to go, I only feel more smothered and controlled and set up for failure. But I lack the courage to tell them. Maybe I want this oppression, this pain, this fight… I don’t know. I don’t know myself, but God knows my heart. That’s truth.
The final question on the page was, “do you want to get better”? … I don’t know. I still waver between the seemingly most simple first step: admitting I even have a problem. Or at least a problem worth fixing.
I was about to finish with, “I’m sorry, God”, but He’s already forgiven me and I’m clean in His sight. That is truth, and for that I thank You, Jesus.