Saturday, January 8th, 2011Mature

I told mom about the cutting, though I vowed I never would.  Why did I tell her then?  Because she asked, and mom deserves the truth.  She asked if I ever hated myself so much that I wanted to harm myself.  I immediately said no, but then went to her and told the truth.  Do I wish she didn’t know?  DUH!!  Do I regret telling the truth?  No, I’m just so, so ashamed.  Mom told dad, which was “fine” ‘cause I knew she would.  Dad doesn’t know what to think and neither does mom, but mom is the one freaking out.  She’s thinking about taking everything away from me: computer, Internet access, iPod, facebook, YouTube, even monitoring books I read.  She was even contemplating not allowing me to communicate/see some of my friends. 

Somehow mom responded exactly how I thought she might.  Of course, I hadn’t thought too much about how she would respond ‘cause I was never ever EVER going to tell her unprompted and on my own.  She was hurt.  Hurt by me, because of me.  It’s all my wretched fault.  She got angry after the first realization settled in and I don’t blame her.  I deserved every hurt I received from her words.  Every one.  She said for me to put myself in her shoes, but I’ve already been there… four times.  Granted, since I don’t have a daughter involved in SI, I don’t know exactly… I can’t believe I put my own parents in that same helpless position I’ve been in so many times.  I vowed I never would.

I threw away my razor blade.  I simply can’t cut now they know about it.  Lying further would just make everything worse.  The odd/annoying/STUPID thing was that this morning and early afternoon I couldn’t eat.  Literally couldn’t.  But I knew I would have to make myself sooner or later.  So I did.  And I binged, and binged like never before.  I didn’t mean to.  Or maybe I did.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything anymore.  But I do know I lost control completely.  Then I purged, I just had to.  Yes, I know it was wrong.  Tonight I binged again but this time refrained from purging and now I feel awful, disgusting.

I’m sorry.

I have to get a grip, I have to!  I’m running out of time.  I have to get on with life, with things that matter.  I’m sorry, God.  I know this is all the result of simply a big lack of trust on my part.  Or is it me openly rebelling against You and Your authority without me realizing it?  Or am I just a vessel for dishonor?  I’m sorry, God, I really am.  And I’m really sorry for apologizing all the time for everything.  That’s gotta be the most annoying thing…

 

Nothing seems real… am I?            

The End

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