Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010Mature

I hate myself.  I hate myself for hating myself.  I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!


            I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry.  Somebody please… I’m so, so, so terribly sorry.  I’ll never be beautiful because I’ll never be thin.  I’ll never be thin because I can’t stop eating.  I can’t stop eating because I have no self-control.  I have no self-control because I think I’m a failure.  I think I’m a failure because I am one.

            All that I’m thinking and feeling is my fault, all my fault.  My misery is my fault completely and I’m fully aware of this fact.  Worse still is how I retaliate to people.  I’ve been such a bitch lately and I know it.  I can’t stand for people to touch me or be kind to me (even though it’s what I truly want), because I’m afraid I’ll break down completely and then they’ll see what a freak I am.  So instead of accepting their help and kindness I lash out as a defense.  Stupid, I know…  This, then, is interpreted as, “rejecting God’s provision” for me, “slapping God in the face,” etc. etc.  And I probably am, that’s the worst of it.  But goodness knows I don’t want to be a bitch and I don’t really want to be unkind.

That’s the problem… I don’t want to hurt anyone ever!  Be it by words of defense or accusation, or looks, or dumping on them my needs and true feelings.  But one way or another I end up hurting those who love me and I can’t stand it!  I can’t stand me!!  I HATE MYSELF!!!

The End

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