I hate myself. I hate myself for hating myself. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Somebody please… I’m so, so, so terribly sorry. I’ll never be beautiful because I’ll never be thin. I’ll never be thin because I can’t stop eating. I can’t stop eating because I have no self-control. I have no self-control because I think I’m a failure. I think I’m a failure because I am one.
All that I’m thinking and feeling is my fault, all my fault. My misery is my fault completely and I’m fully aware of this fact. Worse still is how I retaliate to people. I’ve been such a bitch lately and I know it. I can’t stand for people to touch me or be kind to me (even though it’s what I truly want), because I’m afraid I’ll break down completely and then they’ll see what a freak I am. So instead of accepting their help and kindness I lash out as a defense. Stupid, I know… This, then, is interpreted as, “rejecting God’s provision” for me, “slapping God in the face,” etc. etc. And I probably am, that’s the worst of it. But goodness knows I don’t want to be a bitch and I don’t really want to be unkind.
That’s the problem… I don’t want to hurt anyone ever! Be it by words of defense or accusation, or looks, or dumping on them my needs and true feelings. But one way or another I end up hurting those who love me and I can’t stand it! I can’t stand me!! I HATE MYSELF!!!