Tuesday, December 7th, 2010Mature

What does it matter?  It doesn’t… I don’t.  They took me to get counseling because of my weight, not because I was hurting inside.  Now that my weight is normal it doesn’t matter, I should be fine.  Mom acknowledged that there was more going on and she understood I needed to get things straightened out even after I started eating again.  But what people don’t understand is that I still have issues with food and eating even if I am eating.  They don’t understand, of course, because I haven’t told them, and I haven’t told them because I’m so, so, so ashamed.  All that has happened with my eating is that I slid from one side of the spectrum to the other and now I can’t stop eating.  It’s more shameful and revolting than not eating.  And now I know that I’m gonna get fat because I’m not making myself vomit ‘cause I know that would upset my parents.  I’m going to get fat, so fat and ugly and then no one for sure will reach out to me…

            The problem is me, all me.  Selfishness.  Pride.  Sin.  My responsibility and I’ve failed.  Guilt.  Everything I do, say, think – sin.  Blame.  Condemnation.  Self-imposed?  Yes… and that, too, is sin and my fault and abusing my responsibility and grace and…

            I mess everything up.  I make mom cry.  I annoy dad with my real feelings and tears.  All that matters is that I eat, weigh enough, and smile.  All that matters is that everyone else is happy; because, at all costs – all costs – I will not, cannot, hurt others.  I don’t care at all if I get hurt so long as I can save others from pain.

 

            Now smile.  And laugh.

                        And die inside…

                                    Just don’t let it show.

The End

47 comments about this work Feed