Friday, October 29th, 2010Mature

I am empty.  Take any more and you take my life. 

I wanted to help you, and I tried.  I really did.  I wanted to give you joy and happiness and light and beauty, but you wouldn’t take it.  Maybe that’s because it wasn’t mine to give, or maybe it’s because I didn’t have enough to give you.  I don’t know.  All I know is that my joy and happiness went somewhere, and that you are still miserable. 

I would not resent this, no, not if I could see change, any change.  Something to know that all my giving was not in vain.  But there is nothing, only more need; only more greedy hands reaching into my soul to grab any fragment of joy that is left, only more scavenging for that last drop of happiness and laughter.

You are killing me.

But I do not blame you.  No, do not begin to accuse yourself.  It is my fault I am dying.  I should have stopped you from ravaging my soul.  I should have set up a boundary, a wall of some sort, a signpost to point you to the true Giver of all good things.  I thought I did.  That is what I tried to do anyway.  But I messed up.  I got in the way of course.  I failed.  And I left you with nothing more than a false refuge, and led you to nothing but an empty well.  I am the one that must apologize to you, not the other way around.  It is my fault.  It is my fault.

But now I cannot separate myself.  I cannot leave you.  I said I would be there for you and I will.  I place myself into your needy hands.  Use me, but know that I cannot last forever.  I will run out.  I can’t run on empty much longer…

It is painful, but I don’t mind.  After all, I was instructed to deny myself.  I did ask to be used.  Perhaps this is my calling, to be used and expended for the benefit of others.  I am lonely and sad, but I need not be; I need only to accept my role; my role as a dressed-up landfill, good for nothing more than a dumping site. 

 

Do you not see?  This is the only way I will ever be seen, be recognized for more than a garbage dump.  This is the only thing I can do that earns me a place of care and concern.  Without this, no one would notice my hurt.

I’m tired of reaching out to others yet never being reached.  It hurts to hold and never be held.  It’s hard never being told that everything’s gonna be ok after whispering it to so many others.           

This is selfishness, yes, but it is something I can do for myself.  I can’t believe I am causing burden and hurt to others, doing the very same thing that was done to me.  I have slipped into the hole from which I’ve tried so hard to lift others.  But I did not help them.  And now I am useless, caught in a hole I dug myself into but am incapable of escaping.  I cannot ask for help… I do not want to drag anyone else down like I have been drug.  I cannot,do not want to do that to anyone.  I simply can’t!  But I’m doing it already without meaning to every time I choose not to fight.

I can’t move forward or back without causing pain and hurt to those I love.  What a wretch I am!  And yet they still love me… I would rather they not, simply to protect them.  But I cannot stop them from loving, and I can either accept this gift or deny it access to my soul.  To deny such love would cause them the feelings that have been my torment: feelings of bitterness, anger, frustration, sadness, and pain.  Feelings that come when you give and the one to whom you give and love throws it all back in your face and calls you an idiot. 

But to accept their love?

To do so would mean admitting my weakness and depending on their strength.  Perhaps this is pride that stands in my way, but more than that it’s the dread of being a leech, a life-sucker, to those I love so dearly.  Because to heal, to really truly heal and understand what’s inside of me, would take too much of their time and effort.  I would feel dreadful asking them to inconvenience their life to help mine.

Then there is sin to consider.  But where to start… sin is hovering over me everywhere I look.  I don’t even know what all is there; I only know that it’s my fault.  That it’s all my fault and that everything I do is wrong in some way or another, either in action or in the motive behind the action.  Even in thinking things are my fault I sin.  After all, if I think this then I must be esteeming my ability to ruin over God’s ability to redeem.  Is it pride?  Is it selfishness?  Is it both rolled into one?  I want to be selfless; that is my prayer.  So many countless times I’ve asked God to remove me from the scene.  My deepest desire is for people to see Christ when they look at me and not see me at all.  Why, then, has the answer to this prayer been a complete reversal of the request?  Is it because I tried to bring it about myself?  (That’s another sin of course)!  Or perhaps God did answer that prayer in that I need to just accept the fact that people won’t see me ever, including my hurts and needs.  Is the place where I find myself now then just the fulfillment of my prayer?  Maybe so… and if I loved God enough then I would just accept the fact that I will be used and overlooked the rest of my life.  To fight against this would be to fight against His plan for my life.  If I loved God enough then I wouldn’t mind not being loved or held or cared for, I would just give it all up for the sake of Christ.  I would just fade into the background of oblivion so that others may see Him instead of me and so that I would not ever get in the way of His plan. 

Oh surely this cannot be… but I do not know what is.  And yet Ido, SO WHY DO I NOT BELIEVE IT?  Why do I not act it out?  Why do I not want to take the steps I know will lead to freedom?  WHY, when I know the truth do I not claim it?  It is sin if I do not do these things, because I KNOW they are right.  But it is selfishness if I do them as well… either way it is sin.  And either way I am responsible.  It is my fault.  It is all my fault.  And even that thought is sin.  I cannot get away from myself and I hate it.  I hate myself.  Sin, sin, sin, sin… it is everywhere within me.

 

Where is grace?  Can it not save me? 

Is this my fault too?

 

Fade now.  Fade back into the void of insignificance.  Just accept the role.  Shut off all your feelings, your desires, your longings to be cared for and loved.  They are invalid.  I do not need what I’m starving to get, I only think I do.

My struggle is not real so do not acknowledge it, do not acknowledge me.  It is only for attention, the kind of attention of which I should not be the recipient.  Others yes, but not me.  Others need it more than I…

I shouldn’t need it at all.

Let me go, just let me go!  Can you not see that I can’t accept your help?  I got myself into this and I’m responsible for getting myself out again.  I will not be a life-sucker, a joy-taker, a burden, and an annoyance to someone else.  I will not allow myself.  Thus, I will just shut myself away and not leave until I get myself straightened out.  That way I won’t have any opportunity to encumber others with my presence.

 

The thing is, I need more help than I care to admit…

 

No!  Donotgo there.  Just set your mind to it and fix yourself, you idiot!   And another thing… STOP CARING ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!!!  It doesn’t matter.  Get that through your head.

The End

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