Wednesday, October 20th, 2010Mature

On Monday I had a truth talk with mom.  I confessed the lies and was able to speak some of what had been on my heart.  It felt unbelievably better and yesterday I actually ate normally.  Granted, I sobbed over lunch, felt like a glutton over supper and completely ashamed and like I lost all control over each snack.  But I’ve made a pact with myself not to start lying again.  I want to be healthy and I know it’s the right thing to do, and something I can do for God.  But I also want to be thin – I want to like something about myself.  UGH!!! 

            Right now everything appears to be selfishness.  It’s selfishness if I don’t eat and selfishness if I do, it’s selfishness if I don’t fight for myself and selfishness if I do.  Fighting to eat feels like I’ve lost and given in to food and makes me feel like a complete, disgusting glutton.  I was right: I knew if I started eating again I would lose control of myself and be a slave of food.

            It’s sickening how weak I am…

The End

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