Sunday, August 8th, 2010Mature

Do I actually need help or am I making all this up?  I’m so confused!  I need to be able to fix my own problems and not bother other people’s lives with mine.  What is my problem?!!  Why, why, whyam I so, so stupid!!  I want to help people, so why should I be the recipient of help?  How, while seeking freedom from selfishness, did I become so entrenched in self?  How, when helping others, did I come to a place where I myself need help?  Why do I constantly feel guilty?  And then feel guilty for feeling guilty? 

My greatest fear (one of them) is that I will hurt someone without knowing it.  I wish me not eating would only affect me but it doesn’t; mom, dad, my whole family is concerned.  What if I hurt them?  I can’t do that to them, I don’t want to do that to them.  I only want to do it to myself.  And there you have it… my own version of self-harm.  Sure, I’m not cutting or burning, but…

In the process of helping others escape, I myself have been caught. 

The End

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