Tuesday, July 20th, 2010Mature

God, why am I so incredibly stupid?  Why can’t I just trust You?  Why can’t I simply fade into the background of everything and let Your glory shine?  Why do I taint Your holiness with my humanness?  Is it really all as pointless as it feels… to strive for selflessness I mean?  Will I ever be like You?  Ever?  Will people ever be able to see You when they look at me?  Will they ever not be able to see me and instead just see You?  Will I always keep messing things up?  Will I ever love You more than I love myself?  Will I ever desire You more than everything else?  Why can’t I stop thinking of me?  UGH!! And these are my reasons for thinking I’m stupid… ‘Cause it’s true.  And thinking I’m stupid is stupid! 

God, just take me.  Use me.  Break me, please.  God, you’ve gotta do something with me.  I need to just shut up!  Grow up!  Shrink… God, I’m afraid of what I can do.  What if I shame Your name?  And yet, that’s probably pride ‘cause I’m mortal, and who am I thinking that something I could do could take away from Your glory?  God, are You even pleased with me?  I feel like You’re continually angry with me.  I know it’s just a feeling but why do I feel like this?  ‘Cause I know Your mercies are new every morning.  Why can’t I make the connection between my head and my heart?  Why can’t I just trust You?  And there again, You can’t be pleased with me because, “without faith it’s impossible to please God”.  Why don’t You just give up on me?  Why don’t You?

God, I really, really hate myself.  Nice, huh?  “Love your neighbor as yourself”; that should definitely be interesting if I detest myself so much.  God, why can’t I love You and love others and just hate/ignore/detest myself?  Why do people have to care about me?  I don’t deserve it.  I don’t deserve any of it… any of anything. 

How frustrating!  WHY AM I SO STUPID?!?!!  God, I love giving but I can’t stand receiving.  And that’s terrible!  And yet, even though I have trouble receiving, I still take advantage of Your grace.  Don’t You regret making me?  I sure would if I were You.  And what’s with me and wanting the praise and affirmation and attention and etc. from people?  How ridiculous is that?  That’s why I just wish I would disappear completely.  And that’s probably selfishness …

 

God, I just want Your heart.  I just want Your mind.  God, I just want Your eyes, Your ears.  I want to be Your arms, to hold the people you can’t physically touch.  That’s what I want God.  I want You!  So here I am, God.  This, this is what You have to work with.  Do something!  Please, please God, do something!  “To You, oh LORD, I lift up my soul, oh my God, I trust in You!” — Psalm 25:1

 

As Long As it Takes

–      Meredith Andrews

 

 

I’m tired.  Do I have to keep proving myself?

I’m weary, and drawing from an empty well.

I need You, more than I ever have.

So Jesus come, and shatter my darkness somehow…

 

I won’t speak until You speak.

I won’t move until You move me.

I won’t sing, sing over me.

I will wait as long as it takes.

 

I’m restless for something significant,

But I’m helpless ‘cause I’ve done all I can.

I want You, more than I ever have.

So Jesus come and hold me, I’m shaking right now.

 

I won’t speak until You speak.

I won’t move until You move me.

I won’t sing, sing over me.

I will wait as long as it takes.

 

You are the Comforter, so comfort me.

You’re the Sustainer, so be enough for me.

You are my Father, and Your love for me

Is where I find my rest.

 

Jesus, I will wait as long as it takes.

The End

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