How my depression feels like... How it brings me down and holds me. I can't escape
Depression is a very hard thing to explain. You can never really know how it feels until your feel it slowly creeping and killing you. You feel more dead then alive really. After awhile you forget what it’s like to be happy. It erases all the happiness.You forget what it was like to feel free and alive. You forget how to live…
I slam my pencil down and lean back in my chair. I glare down at the paper in dismay. It took forty-five minutes to write just those few sentences. I have such a hard time explaining how I feel. Why do I struggle at everything? Does anything ever come easy in my life? I should be happy that I have a nice warm bed to go home too. I should be happy I have food in my stomach… That half of the time I don’t eat because I think i’m fat. When people see me, do think i’m fat? Do people think i’m pretty? Why do I always question myself?
“Stop!” I yell. I look around as if someone heard me. I was home alone. Sick of being alone… I took at my twin size bed. I have all black sheets and blankets. My whole room was pretty depressing looking. Almost everything in my room was black, even my bed frame. My walls are covered in band posters and my shelves are full of books (I’m a little bit of a book hoarder.) I had drawings I hung on my wall. Mostly evil creatures and dark depressing things I drew.
I get up from my desk, away from the stupid words. I paced around my tiny room. One, two, three, four, and turn. I did this repeatedly for quite sometime. Glancing down at my paper, I grimace.
Sitting back down, I begin to write again.
Everything is so much harder to do when you have depression. You don’t want to do the things you used to enjoy, such as sports, reading, playing an instrument… It sucks the motivation out of you so you don’t care about homework or chores. It kidnaps you from your friends. It tapes your mouth shut so you can’t scream for help. It wraps an invisible blanket around you so no one notices you. It shoves you down in the dirt telling you how worthless you are. In the end you’re nothing but a walking corpse. Instead of always thinking about brains, you’re always thinking about death.