You're A MonsterMature

You're A Monster – 14/3/15

You're a monster, you know that?
All you can do is leave destruction in your wake
As you struggle with your own confusion
Leaving scars on your skin
Leaving scars on those who dared to come near.

You're searching for something, for someone, with no clue what that is
You're trying to grasp anything that seems vaguely substantial
And left choking on thin air
Then you fall within again, struggling to search
To find a solid piece of you that isn't just a mask

You spent two years hiding behind a mask
The one society insisted you should wear
You knew it wasn't a right fit, knew it after only two weeks of being with him
You didn't care, you wanted him too much
You kept it to yourself, insisted it was too insane, too crazy
And as two year passed, you kept it still

You knew when you told him, he were going to leave
You knew it and it happened
And the blame was aimed at you
You were the person who lied and deceived
What else could you have expected, but this fatal result?

Then you read the stories, others who felt the same
But for them, the other half chose to stay.
It just digs the knife in deeper, y'know?

You're still a monster, you always will be
You thought you were ready when you weren't
You dragged someone else into your circle of hurt
She'd been through enough and you didn't care
You wanted to feel something, anything remotely real
And it blew up in your face.

A bad break up leaves an ugly taste
Now you're more of a mess than you were before

And still you're searching
You tell people it's over
You give up, no more
But you're still searching
The people you meet shine before you
And you fucking wish they wouldn't

Because you've realised the truth
You're a monster
You can't control your depression, your anxiety, your PTSD
It all surfaces without warning, leaving you lost and weak
Before something has even started
You've ended it out of fear

Self sabotage and inner hate create a whirling vortex of disgrace
The only thing you're good for is words
You can write a billion of them, somehow falling in perfect place
The teeth come out and the scratching starts
This cycle can’t end, not unless you abandon past shame

You're a monster, nothing worth being near
People get hurt everytime, even your family have shouted as much
No, no point, continue being alone
You don't need another person when your passion is words

Maybe once you've done the therapy
Maybe when panic attacks don't happen
Maybe when you can face your swirling emotions
Instead of shutting down and hiding
Maybe then you can try again
But I wouldn't hedge any bets

You're a monster, nothing more.

The End

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