Excuse my rambling...

Anyone can write down something that's bothering them, whether it be a major problem or something small, and then people can comment with advice. Any rude, unfeeling comments will be deleted. It's like an Agony Aunt piece. Someone you don't know who you can go to for advice. I'll start off just so no one else has to :D

Excuse my rambling, but I have a problem of the heart. I'm hopefully going to university soon, so lots of things and people are being left behind, but there is one person who I am feeling particularly mournful about leaving. This person ha been in my life since I was very little, and there was a stage a few years ago and more recently where I got very confused about my feelings towards them. I know that I care about this person, and that I love them, but I don't know how I love them and I feel it every day pulling at my heart. Sometimes I think that the way I feel about them is just great friendship, and other times it's more. I have a lot of things in my life and my room that remind me of this person and it is therefore very hard to forget about the emotions. Sometimes I'll look at something and think 'So-and-so would like this' or something to that effect. It is very hard, because when I am with this person I don't think about them like that, or how to act around them. I feel more myself and more confident and safer with this person than I ever do with anyone else, but my heart feels very heavy when I watch them leave.

There are some more complications, such as the fact that this person is older than me, by quite a few years. The age gap doesn't matter to me but it would to other people. Another complication is that I really only see this person through an activity, and although we text sometimes it is normally about the activity. Also I do not know whether I am this person's type.

On the other hand, we seem to be able to talk freely with each other, and when this person smiles at me I feel my heart lift. We smile at each other a lot. We have developed a thing where we send one kiss with a text or in a card, which might not seem like much but to me one kiss is now more important than two or three, so no one else now recieves one kiss from me. I don't believe anyone else doing the same activity recieves this same one kiss thing.

It may be a silly little thing, but I have had crushes before, and in the past they have tended to be a little more, how to say it... firey? I don't know. But being with this person just makes me feel warm and safe, and more confident about myself. I don't understand this situation and it confuses me a lot. I don't necessarily need help, although some different perspectives would be good, but I do want to share this with someone, even if no one reads this. It seems to me that sharing this good pain by writing it down will help me to figure it out, or at least stop being so heavy hearted.

 

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