v

A GIRL LIKE ALICE

Honey Honey

by

Bob Aldridge

SCENE INT. FRANCO'S WINE BAR-DAY

ALICE ENTERS AND JOINS GIBBS AT TABLE. FRANCO COMES FOR ORDER.

ALICE;

Hallo , I hope I'm not late

GIBBS;

Not at all. What would you like for lunch

ALICE;

Oh I'm much too excited to eat. (LOOKS AT

FRANCO ) Unless you do sausage and chips. I

could eat sausage and chips 'till I bust.

FRANCO;

You think this-a some kinda Greek joint? We

only serve saucissons et pomme frites italiano –

-hokay?

ALICE;

That'll do at a pinch

SIR GORDON ENTERS AND JOINS RIDDLER WHO IS ALONE AT CORNER TABLE

SIR GORDON;

Mind if I join you Geoff ?

RIDDLER;

Of course not.. But I thought you preferred the Barley Mow.

SIR GORDON;

I do This place is a bit too 'viva espana ' for me

RIDDLER;

It's supposed to look Italian..

SIR GORDON;

It's all the same innit ?-No, I'm here to suss out

the geezer our Miss Honeywell is meeting.

RIDDLER;

They're over by the window.

SIR GORDON;

Oh ar. (PAUSE) Well would yo' credit it? I know

him. That toe-rag owes Top Notch five grand.

RIDDLER;

A slow payer?

SIR GORDON;

Slow? He hasn't paid us a bleedin' ha'penny in

three years.

FRANCO APPROACHES GIBBS'S TABLE

FRANCO;

Sorry we only got-a instant mash. You like-a instant mash pomme frites?

ALICE;

I'll just have coffee

GIBBS:

Me too

FRANCO: (SHRUGS & GOES)

Hokay; what do I care?

ALICE;

I've never been a model before only Evelyn says I musn't take my clothes off.

GIBBS;

Ah well, there wasn't time to explain earlier but the fact is, -- it's your perfectly delightful little bubble car we really need. You see, I've engaged a professional model for the -er -human element.

ALICE IS INDIGNANT, PUSHES HER CHAIR BACK AND STANDS.FRANCO IS PASSING WITH A LOADED TRAY. FRANCO AVOIDS HER BUT TRIPS OVER A DINER'S FEET AND SPILLS PLATE OF FOOD IN A LADY'S LAP. A JUICY STEAK SLIDES UNDER GIBBS'S TABLE. THE CHAOS GOES UNNOTICED BY ALICE AND GIBBS

ALICE;(annoyed)

I've told them at work I'm going to be a model. I'll look a right narna now won't I? -- Well goodbye and thank you for nothing.

GIBBS;

I'd pay well,--for your little car.

DURING THE FOLLOWING A LARGISH DOG WITH A LONG TAIL OOZES THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR ,SLIPS UNDER THE TABLE AND STARTS ON THE STEAK.

ALICE; (SITS)

How well?

GIBBS;

A thousand minimum; for up to,-say -- five days

work?

ALICE;

You're on. This is Bertie's big chance.

GIBBS;

Bertie?

ALICE;

Bertie Bee.-That's his name.--- My car's name.

GIBBS;

How amusing. , Ah, -here comes the model I

mentioned.

ALICE TURNS TO SEE MAXINE UNDULATING TOWARDS THEM.

ALICE;

Crikey! It's Miss Bed-- thing

GIBBS MAKES A PRODUCTION OF HELPING MAXINE TO HER CHAIR ETC. SHE FROWNS AT ALICE

MAXINE;

Oh hallo; you're Geoffrey's little helper aren't you? Tracy something isn't it?

GIBBS;

I was just telling Alice that you're the professional model for the honey promo.

ALICE;

Oh yes. You've only got to look at her to see she's a pro.

UNDER THE TABLE THE DOG'S WAGGING TAIL BRUSHES AGAINST MAXINE'S LEGS SEVERAL TIMES FROM HERE ON. SHE ASSUMES IT IS GIBBS AND DOES A LOT OF EYE FLUTTERING IN HIS DIRECTION. FRANCO APPEARS BY THE TABLE WITH ORDER PAD.

GIBBS;

Can I order lunch for you Maxine

MAXINE PATS HER STOMACHE AND WRIGGLES IN HER SEAT.

MAXINE;

Oh ,I never eat lunch. Must watch my shape.

ALICE;

That's very wise for a person in your game

FRANCO;

Say lady, I gotta missus and six-a bambinos.

You wanna see us all living in-a cardboard boxes ?You gotta eat something.

GIBBS;

We'll order later.

AT RIDDLERS TABLE, HE AND SIR

GORDON ARE STILL WATCHING COVERTLY.

RIDDLER;

If the man's a crook what is Maxine doing there?

She seems very chummy with him.

SIR GORDON;

I expect he's conning her too.

AT GIBBS'S TABLE, GIBBS IS PEERING THROUGH A "FRAME" OF FINGERS AND

THUMBS

GIBBS;

I see Maxine driving Bertie Bee up to the camera and stepping out holding a giant honey jar. I see---

MAXINE;

Just a minute. Are you saying I have to model alongside that mechanical insect? --- And actually drive it?

ALICE;

Oh I couldn't allow her to drive. Bertie gets the hump if anyone else drives him.

GIBBS;

Tell you what. I'll stand him a nice oil change or something. Would he like that? And think of the thousand pounds.

MAXINE;

A thousand? That's what you offered me! Are you saying that I'm worth no more than a Noddy car ?

GIBBS;

Point taken. Let's say then that Bertie gets seven fifty-

ALICE;

Oh no. As Berties manager I can't allow that'

GIBBS;

Very well .Suppose I raise Maxine's fee to­­­-

MAXINE;

fifteen hundred.

GIBBS;

You ladies drive a hard bargain.

GIBBS TAKES NOTE BOOK AND PEN FROM POCKET ,DROPS PEN AND BENDS TO RETRIEVE IT . THIS DISTURBS THE DOG WHICH BRUSHES HEAVILY AGAINST MAXINE'S LEGS.

MAXINE; (Low voice)

Not here Julian

GIBBS STRAIGHTENS, LOOKS PUZZLED. MAXINE'S EXPRESSION FREEZES, SHE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE DOGS HEAD ON HER LAP, ITS EYES GAZING AT HER SOULFULLY.SHE GIVES A LITTLE SHRIEK.

MAXINE;

Eee--gh!

THE DOG ESCAPES TO KITCHEN.FRANCO HURRIES TO TABLE.

FRANCO

Wassamarra you? You wanna order now?

MAXINE;

That dog!

FRANCO:

I don'-a serve dog missus. I'm in-a da Michelin Guide.

ALICE:

Do you mend punctures?

GIBBS LOOKS A BIT AGITATED HE TAKES FOLDED PAPERS FROM INSIDE POCKET

GIBBS

Perhaps we could wrap this up ladies ? If you would just sign these contracts ---?

SIR GORDON APPROACHES TABLE FROM BEHIND GIBBS; HE PUTS A WARNING FINGER TO HIS LIPS FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALICE AND MAXINE

SIR GORDON

Now then young Alice, I hope you're not forgetting the gypsy's warning. (to Gibbs) No offence young man but I told her not to sign nothing 'till her uncle Gordon had cast a beady eye. Let's have a dekko then.

SIR G. HOLDS OUT A HAND AND GIBBS PASSES OVER THE DOCUMENT

SIR G.

Ooh - very nice - a thousand pounds eh? (TO GIBBS) You wont mind if I take this with me Mr...?

GIBBS

Gibbs - not at all. You'll find it in order.

SIR G. POCKETS THE DOCUMENT AND EXTENDS A HAND.

SIR G.

Binns - Gordon Binns. I'm Alice's uncle as I said - only I know a bit about this sort of thing.

GIBBS

Promotional advertising? P.R. work?

SIR G.This, that and the other:- business in general. (TO MAXINE) How about you duck? Would you like me to look at yours?

MAXINE

No thank you Mister Binns, I'll have my agent look it over.

MAXINE PUTS THE DOCUMENT INTO HER HANDBAG AND SNAPS IT SHUT, TRAPPING THE EDGE OF THE TABLETOP.

MAXINE

(CONT', to Gibbs) I'll drop into your office sometime tomorrow Julian

GIBBS

I'll look forward to it.

MAXINE BLOWS GIBBS A KISS AND RISES, TUCKING HER HANDBAG UNDER HER ARM AND PULLING THE TABLE CLOTH HALF OFF. FURIOUSLY SHE PULLS IT FREE OF HER BAG, GLARES AT ALICE AND LEAVES. GIBBS, SIR G. AND ALICE WATCH HER WIGGLE AWAY.

ALICE

(SIGHS) I do envy Miss. Bedworthy her style (SHE STANDS UP) I must get back to work too. My boss is a real slave driver. (SHE QUICKLY PECKS SIR G. ON THE CHEEK) See you later 'unc' . See you tomorrow Mr.Gibbs.

GIBBS SMILES, ALICE WALKS AWAY, SIR G. LOOKS A BIT FLUSTERED BUT PLEASED.

GIBBS

What about you, er... Gordon? Must you rush off or will you join me in a drink?

SIR G.

Thank you young man. That's a very civilised suggestion.

THEY BOTH SIT DOWN. GIBBS SIGNALS TO FRANCO WHO HURRIES UP

FRANCO

Don a-tell me you're act-u-ally gonna buy something? Oh thank you, thank you!

Ends.

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