Rupert the human lamprey

Has many rows of hollow fangs

And if you ever met him

He would complain of hunger pangs.

All of the other monsters

Used to sigh and look away

When he drank margaritas

Blood donors he refused to pay.

Then one boring winter night

I sat out on the porch.

"Rupert, you are scaring me.

You should start a family."

He came back a few days later

His offspring clinging to his head

Rupert the human lamprey

Some things are better left unsaid!

RATE THIS CHAPTER!

Click to View Author Guidance

At last! Another Eldritch parody! Of all of these, only one is meant to be serious, and might be better on its own.
You know you're bonkers if you read cosmic horror stories to get in that holly jolly mood.

If you're at a loss on what the hell Shoggoths or those other bizarre names are, consult google on the meaning of this blasphemy.

Explanation for the following songs:

Void Monsters Are Coming To Town is expanding on the original's creepy subtext.
Santa sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He takes the form of a fat old man with legions of industrious Fair Folk at his command. He's able to fit down every child's chimney every Christmas, watch to see if they're naughty, and deal with them accordingly. If that's not eldritch, I don't know what is.
Not to mention that the word eldritch used to be ELVISH. Think about that. It makes so much damn sense.

Do You Fear What I Fear, like most of this, is a big ol' homage to Lovecraft's numerous weird characters and creatures. If I could have fit in more, I would have. Its supposed to be serious and humorous at the same time. Tell me if I succeeded.

Deck The Halls (with eyes of Shoggoth) is what would happen if the amorphous, shapeshifting genetically engineered Shoggoths had a run in with Santa and his minions.

We Three Things is a twisted ode to Cthulhu's awakening, Sung to the tune of We Three Kings and has almost nothing to do with the original song.

Rupert The Human Lamprey

Don't expect to understand this one. Its basically a non sequitur embedded in a non sequitur. And it is shaped like itself. Rupert is...god I don't know. He was sitting out on the patio, drinking curiously red-hued margaritas. Have you ever seen a lamprey's mouth? He's also offended that I portrayed him in such a questionable light, but fortunately, Rupert does not understand locked doors.
Sung to the tune of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.

updated Dec 27 '10 by RachaelRunes