In Elementary School, I was never the cool kid. I never shopped at Justice, or won all the races at recess. I was not ever very good at anything. But I knew I loved music. I just didn’t know what music it was that spoke to me. I knew music was supposed to make you feel something, and I wanted that. I wanted something to surface thoughts and feelings that, not even I knew I had. I wanted to something to inspire me to do great and amazing things during my lifetime, and I couldn’t find it. Going into middle school, I turned into something I wasn’t. I listened to Death metal, And never hesitated to put on black eyeliner all the way around my eyes. It wasn’t right, I just thought it was cool. No one else did. I got made fun of more than I ever did in elementary school. Some days I would come home crying and I would dread ever going back to school. I didn’t know where to go, or who to turn to. Music didn’t help. The music I had on my ipod, was music I didn’t even like. In December of my 6th grade year, my mom signed me up, to audition for a Christmas Play on the other side of town. I was beyond excited. I had always wanted to be in a play. So I tried out, and I made it. I was part of the childrens chorus. And that was when I met Eivan.
Eivan was just as about as lost as I was, he never told me but I could tell. I could see that something was off about him, but at the time, I was drawn to him more than I was ever drawn to anything. He looked about my age, but hung out with all the high schoolers.
We soon became close friends. One of the closet friends I’d ever had. He told me all of his secrets, and I told him mine as well. He made life easier. I looked forward to seeing him everyday. Of course, at the time, we saw each other as more than friends. But he had a girlfriend, and I had just turned 12 and he was 14, so it was a little weird. We had a lot of things in common to. Everyday at practice, I would bring us Sunkist and Sour punch straws, and we would sit in the corner of the black box, and share them, and talk about everything. Before I knew it, he seemed to be my whole life.
The closer we got, the more we shared. Music was always a very personal thing to me. I have never liked to share my music, or tell people what kind of music I listened to. And I think Eivan was the same way. Because when he showed me his playlist, it felt like he was telling me his deepest secrets. Like the lyrics, were his dreams. And the music he showed me, brought a new meaning to my life. It seemed as it we shared dreams. It spoke to me more than any song I had ever heard. It felt like I was meant to fall in love with this music. It changed me. Not into someone I didn’t want to be, or someone I wasn’t but into the person I really am. It happened, slowly but surely.
My parents were never very strict, but when they found out I was interested in a 14 year old boy, they wanted me to cut off any contact I had with him. And I hadn’t ever taken them seriously, but we had a week until the play was over, and it was killing me to think that I would never see him again. I didn’t care if he didn’t see me that way, but I didn’t want to lose him. I had never been so happy in my life. I never really had anything to look forward to, until I met him. Life was good, and for the first time, I didn’t care what people thought of me at school, and I was worried that I was going to lose all of that.
So I ignored everything my mom said, and got his number, and when the play was over, we texted, and talked on the phone, from the moment we woke up until we fell asleep. I was happy. My life was great. It didn’t take my mom to long to figure out that I was still talking to him. And I got in a lot of trouble. My mom read every text I received and every one I sent. We talked about how “in love” we were, how we were going to pack up our things and move to Australia when I was 18. Things that my mom didn’t find appropriate. I got grounded for a while and we didn’t speak for about a year.
We finally began talking again, and saw each other maybe once or twice or year. And my mom knew about none of this. But honestly, he’s what kept me going. It didn’t take us long to realize we were only ever going to be friends. A relationship would never work. And I was okay with that. I wanted a close friend that I could share everything with and not ever have to worry about losing.
In 9th grade I went through a rough time, and began to push him away. But he stayed pretty persistent and sent me multiple messages on Facebook. But I had no interest to talk to him at all. The summer before 10th grade, I finally messaged him back, because I needed some type of friend. I lost everyone. He helped me through everything once again. I started to love music and writing as much as I did before, and I was better. A few days after we began talking again, he thanked me. He thanked me, for showing him what was important in life. For helping him see that not everything is so bad. And I was confused. I always thought he was helping me. But I guess we were helping each other.
Eivan just recently left to Brazil. He is there for two years on a mission trip for his church. And I have no contact with him what so ever. Sometimes, I will forget that he’s gone, and I will go to send him and email or a text telling him about this new band I found, or about a book that I think he would like, and then I realize he’s not going to see it. I’m sad he’s gone, but I don’t feel lost like I thought I would. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. He always taught me to not rely on anyone for your happiness, and I know, that he is out there, helping people that need his help more than I do. At one point I did rely on him. But as time went on, I grew. Not apart from him, but into my own person, and I feel like I couldn’t have ever done it without him.