I want to hear you say it.  I want you to tell me you see the bonds tying you inside your head, where I can't cut them.  You see yourself as someone you're not. You see yourself in such a bad way.  But I'm tired of picking up my pieces all the time. I just want you back, and not be worrying constantly that I'm losing you to a mindset. A bloody mindset of all things. Not a boy, not anything normal and teenage that we can deal with, a mindset. 

I'm so melodramatic, but today it showed me something. I feel that E and S and A and whoever else you mention is usurping me gradually. You like my music now, my style. You pulled the carpet out from under my feet, leaving me so confused as to where we stand.  I miss you so bloody much.  It was all about my lack of historical knowledge today. I was linking you into my world, one little bit at a time, and you yell at me how Shakespeare doesn't have a fixed spelling, and then bragged about it to everyone. Is it surprising I snapped? And your tone when you told me to pick it up,  the tone of a exasperated parent. Is that all you see me as now, a burden, a child bothering you with questions all the time about how you are? Because I really do care, because I barely see you anymore. Whatever the reason. I'm not insinuating you have problems when I ask, I just want to know what's on your mind today, or how your lesson went.

I don't want to say this, but you're pulling me into your black hole with you. I know you're getting better, but I'm getting worse now. I can't see myself in a positive light when you're telling yourself you're fat and unappealing when I'm bigger than you.  I'm breaking. There. I said it. I've become one of those girls that write their angst about themselves onto places. I don't want your pity, I just want to vent, Reader. Please understand, I just want to write and write until all the anger comes out.  Until I don't care anymore, because it hurts to care. 

The End

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