A play that my friend Nora and I wrote for Purim a little while ago. It pretty much just changed it so that Vashti is Rose, the King is Rory, Esther is Amy, Mordechai is the Doctor, and Haman is a weeping angel. Feel free to use, but if you do, I'd love to know!
Purim Doctor Who Play
Girl and Messenger-
[Everyone except Narrator frozen in positions that suit their character]
NARRATOR: Purim. One of the most beloved Jewish holidays of all time. Who doesn’t love dressing up as Esther or Mordechai, eating triangle fruit filled cookies, and stomping their feet when someone says Haman. And then there’s Doctor Who, possibly the oldest, most popular TV show the world will ever know. And what if the two were suddenly meshed together? Who would become who? What would change? Would the Doctor become Mordechai? Would Esther turn into Amy? Where does Rose fall? Is she suddenly the vanished queen, Vashti? And Rory, foolish Rory, would he suddenly find himself in the highest position of royalty, such as King? Where does Zuko fall on this chart?
[Enter MESSENGER, whisper to NARRATOR, exits]
NARRATOR: Sorry. I’ve just been informed Zuko won’t be here tonight. Minor complications between Ba Sing Se and the Fire Nation. Anyway, would one of the Doctor’s greatest enemies find their statue self as…Haman?
[Exit all but RORY/KING and VASHTI/ROSE]
NARRATOR: King Rory had wanted to become king for a very long time. He had waited and bided his time. Finally, he was successful. So he had held…a celebration. And another the next night. And the next. And the next. The celebrations kept on going, night after night after night. And his wife was a little sick of him. A little…
KING/RORY: Yo, Vash-Rose? Where you been, girl? That bean dip was great, make some more.
[VASHTI/ROSE moves to go]
Wait wait wait! I didn’t tell you that you could go. I want to dance with you. Come on, come on, let’s dance, girl.
VASHTI/ROSE: I am so sick of you! You and your stupid partying and eating and you’re just drunk, all the time and it’s so ANNOYING!
KING/RORY: Did you just say what I think you said? Did you? You are my girlfriend, and I will not take that from you.
VASHTI/ROSE: Well you’re not my boyfriend. Yeah, that’s right; I’m breaking up with you!
KING/RORY: You can’t treat me like you treated Zuko when you were together, I heard about your little “fling” and frankly, I am King, I will not take that!
KING/RORY: Yeah, well, well, well…You’re banished. Okay, banished. It’s official! We are over and I chose it to end because I am King! Okay? King!
NARRATOR: Okay, she was really sick of him.
KING/RORY: Angel Haman, come!
NARRATOR: Haman is a Weeping Angel. The Weeping Angels are one of the Doctor’s greatest threats. They are statues of angels that can only move when you aren’t looking.
[Enter ANGEL HAMAN]
KING/RORY: As you know, Angel Haman, I recently ended things with Vash-Rose. I decided it was time to end things between me and her. It just felt like it was time to see someone else, and you know. She was too clingy, and she was treating me just like she treated Zuko. [shudder] Anyway, I decided to hold a contest. A contest where women will compete before me, and I shall chose who I want. Because I am King. I can do that. Don’t you thing that’s a good idea, Angel Haman?
ANGEL HAMAN: [Signs yes]
NARRATOR: So the King held a contest. Each woman prepared a skill, a dish, and a dress. But the King didn’t care. He judged the girls by looks, and looks alone.
KING: Hmmm…Too fat.
[GIRL Bursts into tears and runs off]
KING: Uh…Are you a guy?
[GIRL bursts into tears and runs off]
KING: Wowza. They don’t make girls like that in the castle.
ESTHER/AMY: [Scottish accent] Thank you?
KING: Congrats, you won the contest.
ESTHER/AMY: I did? What about the-
KING: Never mind that.
MORDECHAI: [Inspecting list] Yep, I’ve got everything on the list.
[Enter ANGEL HAMAN]
ANGEL HAMAN: [Holds up sign that says “Bow to me, Jew”
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: NEVER! I am a time lord, and a Jew! I don’t bow to anyone!
ANGEL HAMAN: [Holds up sign that says “Bow or you’ll regret it!]
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: I don’t regret anything! Most of the time! The only thing I’ll ever regret is missing an opportunity to tell someone that bow ties are cool! BOW TIES ARE COOL!
[Pulls out regular screwdriver thinking it’s a sonic screwdriver]
DOCTOR MORDECHAI What happened?!?!
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Psst. Amy-Esther?
AMY/ESTHER: My cousin, Doctor Mordechai, what is it?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Quiet. You can’t let anyone know my real name! For now, just call me Doctor.
AMY/ESTHER: Alright, Doctor, what have you called me here for? My new boyfriend King Rory will start to get suspicious if I’m away for too long.
DOCTOR MOREDCHAI: I just wanted to tell you…You have to be careful! The King’s advisor-
AMY ESTHER: Angel Haman?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: The very same. He hates Jews. So listen very carefully. You can’t tell people you’re Scottish. And Jewish. Okay?
AMY/ESTHER: I promise not to tell anyone I’m Jewish.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: And Scottish!
AMY/ESTHER: And Scottish. I have to go!
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Wait! Remind them: bowties…are cool. And I look amazing with one on!
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: [Looks around quickly] [Pulls out mirror] Oh yeah. [Straightens bow tie] Looking good!
KING: I’m anxious to learn more about you, tell me, where are you from?
KING: What religion do you practice?
AMY/ESTHER: Err...The religion that Hollanders do?
KING: What’s a Hollander?
AMY/ESTHER: Oh! Hollander…That’s…That’s what we Hollanders call ourselves. We people from Holland! [Nervous laugh]
KING: I understand what you’re so worried about.
AMY/ESTHER: What? You, you know?
KING: Of course. I’m King! You don’t have to be so nervous! You’ll be royalty before long too.
GUARD1: I’m so sick of these working conditions!
GUARD2: No kidding. We get minimum wage for standing outside a door for 12 hours a day.
[Enter DOCTOR MORDECHAI]
GUARD1: Hey, what do you say we, elevate our status.
[DOCTOR MORDECHAI listens]
GUARD2: Yeah! Let’s get in the good books with that guy who sells hot dogs! Then he’ll give us free hot dogs whenever we want!
GUARD1: Not yet. That comes later my friend.
GUARD2: So what are we gonna do?
GUARD1: Let’s say we’ll…play a little prank.
GUARD2: I’m following…for once.
GUARD1: And then we’ll blame it on his girlfriend!
GUARD2: Any sense I had before just vanished. I don’t get it.
GUARD1: [Sighs] See, we frame his wife, and then we’ll be rewarded for catching the person who killed King Rory!
GUARD2: But we’re going to kill King Rory!
GUARD1: That’s the point!
GUARD2: Oh! I get it.
GUARD1: So what do you say we do chum?
GUARD1: No, too classic.
GUARD2: Poisonous snake?
GUARD1: No, I think they did that in the original.
GUARD2: Original what?
GUARD1: How about the original story, Dumbo?
GUARD2: I just watched that movie last night!
GUARD1: [Face palm]
GUARD2: I got it!
GUARD1: You do? I’m listening to this!
GUARD2: We steal all of his best mead!
GUARD1: Now, how is that going to kill him? Wait! I figured it out! We combine all three of them together!
GUARD1: We put a poisonous snake in his mead!
GUARD2: No! I have a better idea!
GUARD1: You do?
GUARD2: Why don’t we put a poisonous snake in his mead!
GUARD1: Let’s go get you a hotdog. And then, to the poisonous snake store!
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: That’s called a reptilian shop.
GUARD1: And then, to the Reptilian Shop! Thank you, odd shaped bump in the wall.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: AmEsther! AmEsther!
AMY/ESTHER: What is it Doctor?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: You have to go to the King!
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Because, I just overheard two guards-
AMY/ESTHER: What have I told you about listening in on peoples’ conversations?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: [Stomps foot] But this is important!
AMY/ESTHER: Okay, I’ll give you this one. What did they say?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: They’re going to put a poisonous snake in his mead!
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: It’s true! I heard them!
AMY/ESTHER: What are you talking about?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI? The two guards are going to kill your boyfriend! Tell the king immediately.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: [Pulls out mirror] I have to get rid of this stress! I’m practically breaking out!
KING: Worrisome days, these are indeed. Two of my own guards, plotting to put a poisonous snake in my mead!
AMY/ESTHER: Relax, Rory. This will all be over with soon.
KING: Thank you for telling me my dear. How did you find out?
MESSENGER: Angel Haman requests you to close your eyes so he may enter.
[KING and AMY/ESTHER close eyes]
[Enter ANGEL HAMAN}
ANGEL HAMAN: Holds up sign that says “I caught them”
KING: Thank you Angel Haman, you shall be greatly rewarded. I shall knight you, and boon you with treasure and jewels and-
AMY/ESTHER: Mordechai! Mordechai heard the two guards talking and told me. We’re…friends.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Why did you call me here Amy-Esther? Did you tell the King?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Did they catch the guards?
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: So what’s up?
AMY/ESTHER: I told them about you!
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: What?
AMY/ESTHER: I told them you were my friend.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Good. All may not be ruined.
AMY/ESTHER: But I kind of told them your name.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: [Pulls out mirror] [Checks hair] AMY-ESTHER, HOW COULD YOU?
AMY/ESTHER: Sorry. But King Rory wants to see you.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: [Sighs] Okay.
KING: Now, what do I do to reward Mordechai? [Talking to himself] I’ve got it! I throw him a party!
KING: [Taps glass] Attention, thank you for attending this banquet. It is in honor of Mordechai, who recently saved me from drinking mead with a poisonous snake in it.
PARTY GUESTS: What?
KING: Quiet, you two. Anyway, also to reward him, I’ve granted him…a dance with Angel Haman.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: How do I dance with a statue?
KING: Fine, just draw a mustache on him. [Tosses him a sharpie]
KING: You know, Amy-Esther, Angel Haman has asked me to kill all the Jews and I accepted.
KING: What does it matter to you?
AMY/ESTHER: I’ll get back to you on that! [Exit]
AMY/ESTHER: Angel Haman, I need to speak with Mordechai!
ANGEL HAMAN: Holds up sign that says “You can’t speak to him right now. He’s busy…In the dungeons. Oops, shouldn’t have said that.
AMY/ESTHER: But you wrote on sign!
ANGEL HAMAN: Sign: “You don’t know what it’s like to be me, okay?”
AMY/ESTHER: You’re not acting very much like an angel. [Exit]
ANGEL HAMAN: Sign: I’m a weeping angel, that means I’m evil.
AMY/ESTHER: You can’t do this Rory!
KING: Who’s standing in the way?
AMY/ESTHER: I am-
KING: You are?
AMY/ESTHER: No, you didn’t let me finish! I am…JEWISH!
KING: You can’t be Jewish, you’ve been on time for every banquet I've held!
AMY/ESTHER: Well, I am Scottish…
KING: That explains it. But how am I supposed to stop him?
AMY/ESTHER: Kill him!
KING: The Narrator?
AMY/ESTHER: Well, I meant Haman. But we can kill the Narrator too!
KING: Okay, sure. But first let's have this mead. It was a gift from two of my guards.
KING: [Brushing off gravel] Well, wasn’t that a pleasant hanging.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: Except for all the dust. Anyway, thank you for saving us Amy-Esther. King Rory. I’ve decided, to repay my debt to you, I shall tell you my name.
AMY/ESTHER: I thought it was Mordechai.
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: No, no. My name is Doctor-
[Lights go out]
[Lights go on]
DOCTOR MORDECHAI: And that’s my name. The end!