I don’t feel comfortable with saying that you’re my father when I’m not too keen on my own family right now. Perhaps you could sort something out, so that we get on a little better and I’m not stuck feeling like I’ve failed them and it’s all my fault? I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, but I don’t feel I really merited the anger that I received yesterday, and I really don’t feel like it’s time for me to have to run away. That’s why I want things to get better, and quickly.
I don’t suppose your Son ever felt the same way, because he loved you – and he liked you too. Well, I’m not saying I don’t love my parents, I’m just saying that a lot of the time I don’t like them very much. Especially the way they tell me that I can’t dance unless I practice the violin: don’t they understand that perhaps I don’t want to play classical music, I just want to dance? Just because I’ve been doing music for longer, doesn’t mean that it’s what’s most important to me, even if it is to them. But I don’t know why I’m saying this all over again, because of course you already know what I’ve been thinking.
I guess I always make out that I’ve got a bit of a raw deal when really, I’ve got it better than a lot of people in the world. But material goods and things like education etc – they’re not necessarily enough to make us happy, are they? I ‘spect you already knew that, better than me. What I need is you, but I can’t find you. I can’t see anything to prove you and I can’t see anything that tells me I’m not just going to go to hell. Jake tells me that I’m not, but how does he know? How doesn’t anyone know? Of course that’s where the faith comes in, but I never was any good at that. Well, when I was younger I suppose ... but I’m too old now to trust things without proof. Or maybe it’s that children have got it right, and we’re the ones that are wrong. I don’t know.
Why do I always have to understand everything? If I could get my head around you you’d only be as big as my head. I just find it so hard to remember that when I’m puzzling over the meaning of everything. Help me to know that in the future.