Do You Know What I'm Talking About?

Confession and backstory. There ya go.

So, do you know what I'm talking about?

It's strange how one moment can break everything you've been working for - especially when it's your fault. One moment, life's going the way it should, and the next...shattered.

If it's someone else's fault, then it's better. Not okay, but better. At least then, you know there's nothing you could have done to keep everything from falling apart. But when it's your fault...that's when it gets tough. When you're looking back on all your hard work, only to see it fall to pieces because of one stupid thing you did...that's when it's the worst. Knowing that you could've done things differently, but you didn't. That's what I'm talking about.

Til recently, I prided myself on being strong. Brave. Without a chink in my armor. I didn't cry when I didn't want to, and I felt numb when I wanted to. I could control what I felt, and how I responded. People learned to depend on me, because on the outside, I look as though I've got every little bit of my life under control. The inside, though...that's another story, one I won't get into. At least, not now.

Emotionless, feelingless, cool, calm, collected, in-control. 

I didn't realize how calm, how robotic I was becoming, until recently. I was going over some plots/characters/stories I've written (that aren't posted on here), and I realize there's one recurring theme in each and every one of them:

In every single story I write (with the exception of two on this site), there's always the strong, put-together character that's dying on the inside. The one that everyone depends on, but feels as though they can't depend on anyone else, or they'll be failing to be strong. The one that locks up all their emotions into their heart...

But what often happens with that kind of control (and that happens to the aforementioned characters I write about) is that you store all the unwanted emotions, all the unwelcome feelings, in a little bottle in your heart. And the thing about bottling things up is...there's always an explosion.

You see, something happened this morning. Something  that normally I could've shrugged off and been like, "It's all cool," but alot of things had been building up recently. Instead of responding kindly and collectedly like I should've been able to do, given the small degree of the problem, I lost it. And I took it out on people that I shouldn't have even looked crossways at. You know what I mean - the straw that broke the camel's back.

And then, just like that, all I've been working for...comes tumbling down.

I don't know what this is. A confession, maybe. Or a backstory.

Or maybe just admitting that I'm human. That I'm not as strong as I want to be. That I'm tired of being numb and robotic when it comes to my feelings. I just want to be normal. I don't want to feel detached anymore.  

So, do you know what I'm talking about?

The End

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