A day or two ago found me going on a long drive in the middle of the night, banging my hands against the steering wheel and trying to weep but being too upset for tears.
"What about this situation is fair, God? How is this fair? How can You allow something like this and still claim to be Just? How is this freaking fair?!"
I can't tell you what the situation was that I was enraged about, as it's primarily someone else's problem and not my own - I don't want to betray any confidences. But let's just say there is a beautiful soul in my life who I don't think deserves the burden he or she is dealing with, and watching this person suffer has shaken my faith in ways not even my closest friends could guess.
I pulled into my driveway at roughly 1 a.m. and sat there in the car, trembling with anger and confusion.
What about this is fair, God? And You say You're Just? How the heck can that be, God?
Human logic. Our understanding of justice is so skewed. I think I've already quoted this before, but I'll quote it again. Lecrae's "Boasting" says, "If we fought for our rights, we'd be in hell tonight." We're not entitled to anything. It's our own faults we sin, and if God wasn't merciful, we'd have no hope for Redemption.
But then Jesus. He hung on the cross. His side was split open, His hands and feet had nails driven through them, He labored for breath through lungs that were quickly filling up with fluid, He had a crown of thorns forced upon His head.
What about that was fair?
I'll tell you what it was. It was Mercy. God manifested His Mercy for us by implementing suffering in the life of His Son.
Mercy through Suffering. Mercy through Burdens. Mercy through Heartache. I think back on all the times I've raged at God for various personal things, like mental illnesses and challenging relationships and family issues and lack of writing inspiration. And I recall how I kept exclaiming to God, "This isn't fair! How can You be Just and allow this to be happening to me?"
Looking back, I wouldn't trade those hardships for anything. They have proven God's Love. They have turned me into a person of incredible worth. They have refined me through the fire, and they were Mercy. The trials in my life are things to be thankful for. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I sat there in the car, chest heaving with intangible sobs. "I don't understand this, God. I don't get this. But You do all things well. I trust You. Oh, God, I'm so confused, and this doesn't seem fair, but I trust You."
If my friend chooses to overcome this particular burden, then I have no doubt that said friend will look back and see the Mercy of it all. Maybe that seems judgmental or callous of me, but I and so many others have experienced Mercy through Suffering. It doesn't seem fair, it doesn't seem right, but in the end, He does all things well.
What about this is freaking fair?
I don't know. Not yet. But I will.