I think I've written about this before, but it's on my heart, so I'm going to say it, anyways.
Not a lot of writing inspiration from my side of the world, as you might've noticed. There have been so many times when I've sat down to write something, a great idea whirling in my brain...but when I start to write it, I find I can't express what it is I want to say. So many times in the past couple weeks, I've opened up Protagonize with the intent of writing something that came to mind, but after I get a paragraph or so into it, I realize that I just can't finish.
Lately, I cannot write.
And it's terrifying. What am I, if not a writer? So many times, during the course of the past few years, I've felt dumb. Worthless. As though I don't have anything to offer the world. But there was one thing that redeemed me, one thing that set me apart from most of my friends, and that was that I could write - really, truly write.
And now that I struggle to string even two paragraphs together, I'm left feeling hopeless and empty. My one "redeeming factor" has been torn from me - and, if I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that I've been unable to really write for a few months now.
I was talking with a friend last night, and she suggested to me that perhaps, God had taken away my writing inspiration because He knew writing is an idol in my life. The gist of what she said is that He must know I place my identity in writing, and so He is stripping me of what I hold dearest in order to remove my idol from me.
She asked me if I was willing to trust God with writing. If I would be willing to give it up, if that's what God wants of me.
I said no.
Today, I said yes.
If I can't be a writer...if my writing ability continues to elude me...Words cannot describe how devastating it would be. But maybe, this is a good thing. Maybe, it's teaching me to place my value in something other than the stories and poems I can churn out.
I hate the thought of continuing to wander around in the dark, when it comes to writing, but if that's what it takes to uproot an idol from my life...
Go ahead, God.
I am willing to give up the most important thing in my life, just so He can have it all. What He's given, He is free to take away.
So take it all, God.