You know how I'm absolutely petrified of throwing up? Well, last weekend, I was spending the night at my cousins' house, and one of my cousins got the stomach flu. Saturday night and Sunday night, I didn't suffer from any anxiety, which is indescribably lovely. But last night...
Last night, I attended a class get-together. Let me just say: in the past three years, I can count only two times in which I participated in a game that requires athletic ability. The reason why is because I was afraid I'd do really badly (which was always the outcome in the past) and everyone would hate me because of it (which never actually happened, except in my mind). However, I gathered up the courage to play a game similar to Capture the Flag. Sound stupid? Maybe it sounds stupid, but it was a battle won. And victories are never stupid.
I don't know exactly what triggered the anxiety last night - perhaps, it could've been the nerves of playing the game and having been around my sick cousin - but whatever the cause, anxiety hit. With. A. Vengeance.
It started around 7:00 p.m. I drank a little soda, ate a few pretzels, and was able to survive the rest of the get-together without too much anxiety. But, starting at 10:00 or so, I started experiencing awful waves of nausea. Sometimes, reading and writing makes me even more nauseous when I'm anxious, and last night was one of those cases. I plugged my earphones into my ears and paced, the nausea heightening - and with it, the anxiety. As I've explained before, the more nauseous I get, the more anxious I get, and vice versa.
Normally, I would've begged God to keep me from throwing up, but last night, something was different. As I tried to cope with the anxiety, I whispered over and over again, "Thank-You for this, God. Your plan is so much better than mine. If I end up being well, thank-You. But even if I end up throwing up, thank-You. I trust You."
Around and around and around the table I paced. Over and over and over again, I thanked God for His beautiful plan and masterful orchestration. Your Will be done, that's all I want. Even if it means I get sick.
For several hours, the waves of nausea washed over me, without any sign of stopping. Several tentative sips of cold water, four antacids, four teaspoons of Benadryl, countless songs, and even more prayers later, I finally fell asleep.
Your Kingdom come
Your Will be done
Let that be all I want
- "A Kingdom Come," Tenth Avenue North
Entrusting your greatest fear, your most intense phobia, to God isn't easy. His Plan is so much more glorious than ours - His Will, so much trustworthier. Let Him take your biggest fear. Let Him have control of your dearest desire. There is something so freeing about laying your will on His altar. There is something so beautiful in entrusting yourself to His storyline.
I'm not sick today. Still anxious, but not sick. I'll fight this anxiety with all I am, but sometimes, anxiety is present, even when I do all the fighting I can. But His Will be done. If this anxiety lingers all day...