Dear Warrior {10-19-12}

Dear Warrior...

This is actually nothing new. I guess I'm just reinforcing old ideas.

I much prefer to struggle alone.

I have very few friends to whom I take my struggles. And I pretty much never seek help from my friends, unless it's a quick prayer request for work to go well if I've had a rough day, or a...well, that's actually pretty much the only time I ask for help. When my friends offer to listen, I stall and try to distract them. And when people ask me how I'm doing, I usually tell them about my victories - never my defeats. It takes hours for me to summon the courage to ask someone to get together with me. To actually approach a friend and pour out my heart...practically unthinkable. It rarely happens.

Jesus, why isn't this easier?

One of my friends was surprised to find out just a little bit about my struggles. I can't remember his words, but he said something to the effect of, "But you're always exploding with happiness!"

God, why can't I just keep up this facade?

It is never good to struggle alone. 

Look where boxing my feelings up and shrugging them aside got me. Look where refusing to ask for help got me. Look where not allowing myself to shed tears in front of anyone got me. If it is freedom I seek, accountability is necessary. And the thing about accountability is...I've gotta be vulnerable.

I don't want to struggle alone. I mean, I do, but I want to be free more than I want to struggle alone, I think. So even if it hurts, I will be vulnerable when it is appropriate and healthy to be so. I cannot bear these burdens without a request for prayer to one friend, or a talk about God with another.

I can't hide. I won't hide. I refuse to hide any longer. It's just not an option anymore.

Let's do this.

The End

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