Prepare yourself for a long entry. Perhaps two.
I haven't had the best week ever. I had a panic attack last Monday, and tonight, I got pretty close to another one. Considering I used to get them almost every night for awhile, twice in seven days isn't a big deal, but I'd been doing so well with keeping the anxiety at bay. The lovely thing is, though, the anxiety lasted only for an hour on Monday and an hour and a half tonight. Amazing! Depression's been a constant companion, though I've been forcing myself to continue to take risks and refusing to wallow in self-pity. OCD's been a killer, and even though I've been working so hard at overcoming it, this past week has been a rough one. Perfectionism's been tough, as I've had a much harder time than usual in holding onto the freedom from lies about needing to be absolutely perfect in every way OR ELSE. But I haven't given up, even though I've stumbled a few times. Surprisingly, the urge to self-harm hasn't been as much as an issue as I would've expected it to be, given the depth of emotions (or lack thereof) that I've been experiencing. So that's really good. :)
The worst thing, however, is that several hours ago, I found out that an extremely close friend of mine made a choice that could potentially be terribly harmful to her. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say that I'm battling the same old fears of What could I have done differently to keep this from happening? and How much more of this will I have to put up with, before I see the silver lining in this situation?
I got a text from said friend this evening, while at a social gathering. Instantly, I went into a state of shock. I couldn't think straight, couldn't smile, couldn't eat. And when I pass up a delicious slice of chocolate cake, something's wrong. I kept walking away from the gathering, analyzing the text message, then walking back - only to leave again. This happened several times. Then, one of my very closest friends asked me if anything was wrong. Twice, I lied and said I was fine. She wasn't buying it. She asked if I wanted to go for a walk. So we went for a walk. And even though my perfectionistic side kept screaming at me that I needed to act totally composed, I ended up pouring out my heart to this friend.
Okay. Let me pause to get a breather. :)