Prepare yourself for a really, really long entry.
Thursday was good. It wasn't without its battles, and even though I felt like crying the entire day, I didn't give up. So it was a good day.
Yesterday (Friday) was excellent. I was surrounded by people who I love...and who I think actually might even kind of love me, maybe just a little bit. :D That might sound stupid, but seriously. This is progress!
But today...hmm. Today. I don't even know where to begin.
I worked til 1:30 a.m. this morning, so naturally, my parents let me sleep in today. I got up, ate breakfast, paced for an hour (I know, I'm supposed to be done with pacing, as it's a sign of depression, but...), ate lunch, wrote in my journal, and went back to bed.
The reason for me going back to bed? I was in one of my most numb, depressed, self-condemning moods ever. I was afraid that if I stayed awake, I would run the risk of doing something to displease God. But right before I went to bed (as I already said), I wrote in my journal.
I'll spare you the gritty details, but basically, my journal was filled with three things:
1. Trying to convince myself that I was fine, that my pain was fake, and that I seriously don't have anything wrong with me.
2. Pledging myself to the chase of perfection.
3. Breaking down, giving up, and asking God to forgive me for even considering returning to bondage.
Hmmm...not too pretty.
At 3:45, I finally gathered the gumption to get up and go for a walk. My parents were going to start getting on my case (as they should) if I stayed in bed for too much longer, and going for a walk seemed like a safe alternative. In any case, there wasn't any chance of doing anything to anger God if I went for a walk. It was the next safest thing.
So I got up and went for a walk. The first three fourths were excellent. I merely existed, not allowing myself to think, hoping that I wasn't subconsciously doing anything wrong. But on my way back home, something happened.
I stopped at an intersection. There was another car about a block down. Thinking the car had a "Yield" sign and would have to yield to pedestrians, I began to walk across the street. The car slowed down, and I safely made it to the other side. It was only after I reached the other side of the crossroads, that I looked back and saw that there had been no "Yield" sign for the car. I'd made them slow down when really, they'd had the right of way.
I had inconvenienced that poor driver.
Sound stupid? Yes, because that was what it was. I shouldn't have let it bring me down. But it did. I had gone out on a limb and taken a walk, and even then, I still found a way to be a burden to someone, somewhere! I walked in shame the rest of the way home.
And that was when I realized how pathetic I was being.
Okay, so I made a car slow down. So what! Big deal! They probably were fine with it - and even if I did frustrate them a little, they'd have gotten over it in, what, less than a minute!
This is getting unbearably long. I'm going to post this, then write a follow-up. :)