There are songs on my iTunes library that I can't listen to. Not because they're bad or I'm unworthy or anything, but because they are songs that I listened to before my childhood happiness was stolen from me. Songs like "The Sound of Melodies," by Leeland. "Ready for You," by Kutless. "Reign in Us," by Starfield. "This Man," by Jeremy Camp. As well as many others. Previously, they were some of my favorite songs of worship. Now, whenever I listen to them, it's like tearing a chunk out of my soul. So, bowing to the stereotype of a typical human being, I avoid those songs - they bring me pain.
I avoid anything that reminds me of my life before the demons invaded. I've never allowed myself to properly grieve over moving. I removed all pictures of my life before my sister's anorexia struck. I limit the songs I listen to on iTunes. I block off all memories of my Indiana friends. I haven't danced in my pointe shoes in...oh, ages, really.
But sometimes, when I'm all alone at night, I cry. I cry for all the things I've lost. I cry for the years I spent before I moved. I cry over the fact that anorexia broke my relationship with my best friend, my sister...and that we might never get that closeness back again. I cry for the confidence that I used to have, wherever I went. Did you know that before I moved, I virtually never so much as thought about my body weight?
I have changed so, so much. My friends who I see on a regular basis know and love a Cassandra that is completely different from who I used to be. Who I want to be - more on that in the next chapter.
What scares me is the fact that the only friends who know who I really am...are the ones who grew up with me. Somewhere in the rubble, I've lost myself.
But hang on - hope is on its way. :)