"I start the day
The war begins
Endless reminding of my sin..."
- Casting Crowns, "East to West"
What I wouldn't give for a day in which I wake up to joy, instead of hurt.
But that's self-pity. And self-pity is a snappin' waste of time. I've voiced my thoughts; I won't wallow in them any longer. There is a difference between allowing myself to feel pain and just plain reveling in it. Instead of dwelling on my less-than-desirable feelings, I will go to the Source of healing. Because that's what the point of all this is - He has placed trials in my life so that I come to know Him more fully.
On Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of Thursday, I was rejoicing in the freedom of having recently recommitted myself to the cause of war against my "emotional disturbances." Sorry, I had to write that. I always get a kick out of that phrase. :) Anyways, you might know what I mean - the spiritual high you get after you recommit yourself to freedom. Maybe I'm the only one that has to constantly recommit myself to freedom...anyhow, the spiritual high usually only lasts for a few hours, but this most recent one lasted a few days. He made me rejoice...because of Who He Is. There aren't really explanations...He just filled me with joy.
And I accepted the joy.
And I absolutely refuse to settle for another spiritual low. I'm acting out. I'm fighting it. I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep on the straight and narrow. Today, I read old prayer journal entries. I wrote "free" on my arm. I taped a Bible verse to the ceiling so that I see it whenever I lie in bed. I was honest with a friend when I told her I'm not doing as well as I'd like to be doing. I played freedom-themed songs on the piano (songs which came from my heart, not from a piano book). I read the Bible. I prayed. I sang.
This freedom stuff...I'm serious about it.
Let's do whatever it takes, Warrior. W H A T E V E R I T T A K E S. Let's not settle for less.